new years and such

Well christmas has passed and we're coming upon new years. I never really was into the whole new years resolution deal, don't really understand it, like why are you making a resolution just because its new years? If you want to lose weight then do it, don't sit there and say oooh it's a new year I have to lose weight and then never do it. I guess though if I were to make a new years resolution it would be to get a job, so I can move out of this house. I don't really like living with my dad, not because me and him don't get along, but because me and his girlfriend don't get along, but that's a story for a different post. So back to resolutions, I guess I want a car, and then I just signed up for some college classes so for sure I want to be able to do well in that, and I don't know what else I'd want, and really these aren't new year resolutions they're more of life goals. I want some place to belong and I want to do something worth doing. Everything I mentioned up there will help with both those things. Hopefully I will be successful in those, but hey you never know until you try and I still have a couple more months before I can start school, and I haven't put applications in yet for a job, because my seasonal job just barely ended. Well I guess that's all I have to say this year, see ya next year ;)

where do i belong

So I have a crazy family, my mom has 6 kids other then me, and my dad has 2 other kids. All my moms kids have different dads, every single one, and my youngest sisters dad spoils here rotten, while me and my other sisters are stuck strewn across the country. My older sisters were in foster care until they turned 18 and me and my younger sister got adopted by grandparents, she's with moms family and I'm with my dads family, so for all of us to have a relationship is kind of hard. Luckily for my youngest sister she is spoiled rotten, and she gets whatever she wants, so when she asked for season passes to six flags her dad of course said yes, and so he go one for me and my two younger sisters and said he would pick me and my sister up every time they went, which was soooo exciting I was so happy I was gonna be able to spend time with my sisters, have an actual relationship with them. He picked me up twice and that was it. I haven't seen either of my sisters since, not because he doesn't still take them, but because he just doesn't want to take me.. He still picks up my other sister he just doesn't come get me or even see if I could get a ride to his place and go with them. I never know until after they go, when my sisters post facebook pictures of them at sixflags, and it makes me feel like I don't belong. I don't belong with my sisters and now I don't belong with my dad either. I say that I don't belong with my dad either, because him and his girlfriend went on a family vacation, and I wasn't invited or given any money to feed myself or their dogs that I got stuck babysitting. It made me feel like I wasn't part of their family, and then my dad always tell me that no matter what happens even if his girlfriend is wrong he'll take her side, which makes me feel like crap. I don't know what to do, until I have money I can't afford an apartment, but I hate living here, I feel like I don't belong anywhere right now...

boyfriends

so my boyfriend doesn't know about this blog. not because i don't trust him or I want to bad mouth him or anything, but because I don't really want him to know some of the stuff I want to put in here. Like right now, there's this girl his "best friend", but they don't spend time together or talk to eachother, except when me and him have a problem.. which me being the paranoid psycho bitch gf I am, instead of thinking he just needs a friend, i feel like he's trying to replace me. and I just want to go psycho on her and beat her to a bloody pulp for interacting with my bf. I feel that way about any girl really, it's not that I don't trust him, because I do, I know he would never do anything, but it's just, I don't want girls to flirt with him, or even talk to him, even if I'm right there. I don't mind guys, but girls... I don't know I just don't want to share with them, he's mine and you can't enjoy him, as a friend or anything. Then this girl "best friend" comes along like la-di-da and I don't know her which makes me more possessive, but I can't really do anything I can't tell him who he can and can't be friends with, but if said person was not around then hey I sure as hell wouldn't mind. I don't know that might just be a girl thing it might be a bi-polar thing, but either way, bitch stay awayy from my man!

terrible world

With everything going on right now I thought I could come on here and put my 2 sense in, or at least tell you how I feel. Being bi-polar I am extremley paranoid, my boyfriend goes to this little hangout with his friends at least once a week, and sometimes they stay late, he might come home between 1 or 2, and sometimes I stay up just to make sure he gets home ok, but tonight I have to sleep soon because I have to get up for work tomorrow. Knowing this I'm terrified of what might happen to him, either an accident because someone is to tired or drunk to be driving, or even someone killing him because he just happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I already know from experience that tonight I'm going to have nightmares, because that's what happens when I don't know that he got home. I only am able to sleep because of my medications, otherwise I'm sure I couldn't sleep. But the nightmares are terrible, I dream of different things that could happen to him, and I'm sure tonight they'll be worse. With the shooting at the school, and now even the shooting that happened today. The worst part is tomorrow, we both have to work, and going to work tomorrow morning is hard enough as it is because I'm not a morning person, but then I have to go to work, knowing that my boyfriend will be at work, and I won't know he's okay until after I'm off. I have no real fear of dieing, I don't want to die, but I'm not afraid to die, maybe if I'm staring death in the face I could say I'm afraid, but right now I honestly believe I would be fine with it, but what I couldn't do is live if he died. I'm not saying I can't live without him, because I could, if we broke up and I had to live without him, because in that case we could still be friends, once we healed of course. But if he died, I couldn't stand it. It would break my heart losing the one I love, as well as my bestfriend. I have so much going on in my life and I know no matter what he will always be there for me, but he can't be there if he died. So of course my paranoia is worse tonight, keeping me wide awake, and I just wish I could sleep knowing that he will be ok, knowing that tomorrow morning I will wake up and he will still be right there...

living with dad

So just a couple months ago I moved in with my dad, which may be all fun and dandy if it wasn't for his girlfriend, mostly we get along, but she is semi OCD, and wants me to keep up with her perfect standards, and I try I really do, but with all my physical disadvantages it's hard. She wants the bathroom to be spotless and on top of being a germaphobe I also can't physically put to much power into it otherwise I end up over using my body and that's it for me for the day, 15 minutes cleaning the bathroom and I can't do anything else. So we constantly have moments where we butt heads, and it's hard because personally, I don't think we should be having problems, I do everything she asks, and I do it to the best of my physical ability, and yet I'm still not good enough for her, and my dad has already told me if me and her have a dispute, it doesn't matter if she's right or wrong he will be on her side, which is hard, because I'm his daughter and he's already chosen someone else over me, himself, and now he's gonna chose her over me as well. I guess as a girl I'm supposed to look up to my daddy, for protection, guidance and everything else daddies are supposed to do, but I can't and then I don't even have a mom to look towards for help. What am I supposed to do when the 2 people in my life that are supposed to protect me and teach me aren't there to do it. Sure I can always move back in with my grandparents, and sure that was better for me in some ways, but at the same time it was just as hard, I had to be there for every medical scare, and see my grandmom's fear and pain, and have no way of helping, there's nothing I can do and it's hard, when the people who have taken care of me for my whole life can't anymore. I can see my grandpa slowly losing grip on his mind, barely able to grasp the easiest of concepts that used to be easy for him, and grandmom watching the man she loves wilt away, and all I can do is watch and hope they will still be around next week to take care of me. I guess I thought moving in with my dad my help with the stress, but I didn't expect for my dad to be just as stressful, sure it's in a different way, but it's just as bad. Living with the grandparents I wasn't sure if next week they would be around to keep the place I was staying and with my dad I don't know if his girlfriend will still let me live here next week. What do I do when I feel like there is no place for me to go...

trying to be different

I like being me, it's fun sometimes, but other times, I don't like being me. I get angry at things that don't matter, I say things to purposefully hurt someone and I hurt the people closest to me. It's hard, being me sometimes, except when it's not. I have tried to kill myself before because of the time's that I don't like myself. It's not like I want to die, because truth is I don't want to die, I have a fear of death, or what happens after death. I was raised christian, and christian's believe in hell, and well that's quite terrifying being burnt or tortured for the rest of eternity, but then there is also the what if there's nothing after death, then I just drift away into nothingness without having done anything while I was here, then there's the whole reincarnation, which I think would be the worse, doomed to repeat your mistakes for all of eternity, sure chances are you won't remember that you're repeating the same mistakes time after time, but still, how could I die knowing that there is a possibility that I'm just gonna do this all over again? I would hope that I could change myself know, then if there is reincarnation then maybe next time won't be so bad, and I wouldn't be having to write these blogs about how f-ed up my life is. Not that my life really is f-ed up, I mean sure I've had some troublesome times, but who know's it could be a hell of alot worse, I mean I could cold, hungry and homeless, but no I'm here in a warm bed, with family that loves me, but what do I do to them, I fight, I yell, I treat them like crap, over nothing. Well, not always nothing, I mean sure sometimes they do things that is worth being angry over, but still, I wish I could be one of those people who could just ignore it.. I would be a lot happier if I didn't react so badly over things. Like for example my boyfriends mom threw a temper-tantrum over a christmas gift, and so I got mad at him, like really hello, it's not my problem that she's yelling at him and he's not caring, so why the hell should I go and treat him like crap! So he get's mad and ignores me, which just infuriates me, I go and yell at his mom for being a childish bitch (that's what I called her) and well of course, the women who throws a temper tantrum over a gift freaks out, and I am now the center of her anger, now of course that didn't go over so well with the little scared child inside of me, and I reverted into well I don't know, i really don't, I guess I was like 5 year old me, listening to my grandma and grandpa fight because of me, and wanting it all to stop, blaming myself that I had caused this whole mess, wishing that I had never been born, I was terrified (coming back to my bf and his mom fight) and so I grabbed and piece of glass from the plate she knocked to the floor in her anger, and ripped into my skin, I have scars from it still, and I guess it's been almost a month now, since it was before mine and my bf's anniversary, and everyday I see the scar's, and it hurts, I get reminded of what I caused, what I did, and who I am. It scares me, it makes me think I can't change. Even now a month after the fight I am getting pain from that fight, my bf's mom hates me, which is killing me, because I thought of her as family, and on top if it all, because I had called a friend the night of the fight because I was scared, that friend turned his family into child protective services, and because it was my friend, it was my fault, of course though everything my friend turned her in for, was all stuff she knew from being friends with my boyfriend and his mom. So really it's not my fault, but I still blame myself, she still blames me, and it's hard to deal with, it makes me wonder if maybe I wasn't around none of this would happen. I tried apologizing to his mom, not because of what I did, because she is equally to blame for what happened, but because of what my reaction caused her family. She hasn't lost her kids, but she has to deal with inspections, and protective services checking up on them all the time, and I never wanted that for them, it's hard to believe it's my fault for looking to someone for help. I was scared that both both of what I had done, and what was going on around me, I reached out for help, and caused a mess of things, both for my relationship and for my bf's family..

random thoughts, periods and brokenness

So I'm sitting here thinking about being me, and you know as much as I like me, it sure as hell would be nice to grab everything inside me that is broken, and fix it. I would love to fix my body, make it in fancy new working condition, no bi-polar, no muscle problems, no back pain, no lung issues, and anything else I don't know I have yet. My life would be so much easier without at least some of those problems.
Then there's the whole girl stuff, like every month at that time, you know what I'm talking about, well I always get this feeling, where part of me wants to be pregnant, now don't worry I'm stupid enough to go and purposely get pregnant I'm only 19 and am sooo not ready for that, but there is a small part of me that kinda wishes that there was an accident. So come that time of the month when I haven't exactly started yet, but I know it's time I kinda get a little happy that I might be pregnant and then when I start although I know I'm not ready for a kid I still have a little disappointment, i don't know, I just kinda want a baby even though I know I'm not ready yet, at all, I can't even take care of myself.

dealing with being thrown into the single life

Well, as of yesterday my bf of 2 years broke up with me, it's hard, I admit maybe its whats best for me, but it hurts. Everything in my house reminds me of him. The blanket we shared when we had sleep overs, the stuff he gave me, playing games together, the bed we made love on, the couch we sat and watched tv on, the table we shared dinner at, and then outside the house, the places we went together, the music we listened to in the car, the place he works, the school he goes to, the places he might like to go to. It's hard, there's no place I can go without being reminded of him, no one I can talk to without wanting to cry, tears are rolling down my cheeks now as I right this, it's hard because we shared so much together, movies, games, tv, family, everything I can think of has a memory attached to it. He's spent time with all my family, all my friends, every place I have been I've brought him with, church, home, theme parks, everywhere. I shared everything with him and now I feel like I'm being torn apart from the inside. I can't even cuddle with my dog without thinking about him. I have so many memories that are flooding back, so many special things we did together, even small things, just everything is flooding into my mind, bringing the tears and pain, and the worse part is he seems okay. He does seem a little down about it, but nowhere near how I feel, I want to curl up in his arms and cry and beg him to stay with me, but it's not what I want, I don't want to lower my self worth by begging him to stay with me, if we're gonna be together I want him to want to be with me, not just be with me because he feel's bad for me, that has happened to many times in our relationship and look where it got me. It's so hard though, 2 years and I'm left with nothing, but painful memories. I feel like I am being torn into 2 pieces, I loved him so much, and now I have to try and live without him.
It's hard, everyone keeps telling me I deserve better, I don't feel like that's true, not that I don't deserve better, but that there is anyone out there that's as great with me as he is. We got along most of the time and he was amazing, loving, and so perfect for me. I guess I just have to get over my bi-polar problems first before I can have a relationship, it's just so hard, I feel like if I don't find someone who can deal with my bi-polar soon I never will.

Boyfriend troubles and constant calling

Okay so my first official blog post about me. So today me and my boyfriend got in a little spat, over whether or not he trusts me. Now he won't talk to me. Which is kinda the reason I started this whole blog thing. I started with asking if he was talking to me at 8:45, no reply. Now the last time he had texted me was around 2pm and he was out so in my head I start listing all the possibilities, did he get run over by a car, kidnapped, murdered, did he suffer from some unexplained illness like the ones on house, ect. ect. now I know it may seem crazy, but you never know when something bad could happen. So I text him again at 8:51, this time reminding him how paranoid I get and asking him to please text me so I know he's ok. He replies with a simple "I'm home." So of course I take this opportunity to try and find out why he's not texting me, no reply. 9:07, I text him again "will you please reply?" Nothing, so at 9:30 I apologize again and ask him what I can do to help, then text him again at 9:40 reminding him how much I hate fighting and I hate when he ignores me. Then 9:49 I text him again saying "fine lets play a computer game" no reply still, then at 10:20 please text me, then again at 11:07, asking him to text me, then I call him, leave a message and now I stopped. I hate that he won't even text me to leave him alone. Nothing, from him just silence. Then I get back to that what if something happened. I know he texted me saying he was home, but what if that was someone who stole his phone. His mom hates me so I know if something happened she wouldn't tell me. So my heart is racing, my thoughts are racing and I feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I hate when we fight and I hate even more when the fight leads to ignoring me. It makes me scared, and it makes me feel alone. It makes me do stupid things and it makes me hate myself, because I caused this. I wish he would just talk to me, yell at me, tell me what I did wrong and how I can make it better. Its giving me an anxiety attack which is making me want to talk to him more because I'm scared. I don't know what I'm scared of, but I feel this fear and I can't make it go away, I can't stand it, and it would really help to hear his voice, but he doesn't see that all he see's is the constant calling and texting. I don't know if he's mad at me or just upset in general and doesn't want to talk, but whatever it is I know it's gonna be hard to sleep until he answers, which he doesn't understand. Well thanks for reading, if the bi-polar person in your life calls and texts constantly do them the courtesy of letting them know why you don't want to talk to them, let them tell you how they feel.

back story

So I figure I should post my back story, you know how I came to inhabit this world, the exciting life of me. Well lets start with my mom's pregnancy. The not so wonderful beginning, well boy meets girl girl and boy, do drugs together, drugs lead to sex, sex leads to pregnancy, he offers money for abortion, she denies, both continue to do drugs, she gets denied drugs from dealers because she's pregnant, goes through withdrawls, month 9 of pregnancy water break, contractions, and baby is born. That's at least what I know about that part of life. Doctors do drug test, but find no drugs because mom was denied access to drugs during the last couple of months of pregnancy. So mom takes me home, where she continues to do drugs with my father, as well as she already has to young kids at home with her, my half sisters. Dad gets busted, for what I don't know, but he gets sent to jail. Mom tries (or so she says) to take care of me and my sisters. I was malnourished and dirty when I went to my grandma's house, so she called social services and they took me as well as my sisters away from my mother. My sisters got sent away (and did I mention they are only my half sisters otherwise they would have lived with me). First, to one of their dads, then to foster care. I got adopted by my grandparents. Since then I lived with them, my dad was in and out of jail and my mom was non-existent in my life. She had a couple more kids, 2 boys 2 girls, all for not living with her, and I have had a little contact with the girls, but not much. Life with my grandparents was okay, but it was always hard, all my friends had healthy young parents and I had older grandparents, as well as the kids with grandparents had grandparent stories, where I had none of that. From the time I moved into my grandparents house both of them were suffering from medical problems, that have just gotten worse with time. I do know I have it good though, my grandparents have always been there for me, even with my bi-polar outbursts and weird quirks. They work around all my problems and still love me, flaws and all. When I became a pre-teen I started to feel the affects of being a drug baby, bad lugs, bad muscles, as well as other medical problems that were just genetic. The medical problems messed with my depression alot, I couldn't stand being so broken. I hated the way I felt so needy, and I hated that I couldn't control my emotions. I hated myself and everything about me, I still struggle with that sometimes, but I try to accept myself as me. In jr. high I experimented with weed for a bit, but quit that due to my family history. I jumped from guy to guy, trying to find someone who could love me even though I couldn't love myself. But just recently I've learned to love myself, and that was when I was able to have a serious boyfriend, it ended eventually, because he had some issues and those mixed with my bi-polar didn't mix, but now I'm in a serious relationship with a guy who loves me flaws and all. He has a hard time dealing with me sometimes, but who wouldn't, my emotions can be like walking through a field with those little bombs that if you step on them they blow up, I forget what they're called, but you know what I mean right?
Well I guess that's where I'll end my background post, sorry if it was a little boring :P
Sincerely, Bi-polar girl
<3

first post

Hi, I'm 19 and suffer from bi-polar depression. That comes with alot of problems, first the mood problems, not being able to control mood swings and with that there is anger, and when I'm angry there's the word vomit, you know when you say things and don't think about it they just come out, usually with a bitter taste. This blog is for people with bi-polar disorder and people who know people with bi-polar disorder. This is where I spill my guts. I want people to see what it's like being bi-polar from the sufferer's point of view, you always hear the families point of view, but I want to change that. I want to speak up, show people my thought process, show people how I feel when I lash out. I'm tired of people saying "Oh it's just an excuse, you can control it," when the truth is, I can't. I can't control how I feel how, how I react or any of that stuff, and hell since I've always had bi-polar disorder i don't know maybe it's normal not being able to control your emotions, maybe it's just worse for me then "normal people," but I know one thing I'm so tired of people telling me I can control it. I've lived with this for 19 years and haven't found a way to control myself and I doubt I ever will, and the sooner people figure that out the easier it will be to deal with me. I might cuss a bit in this blog, but I will try to keep it at a minimum, I hope I can help people understand bi-polar disorder, and hopefully you find some interest in my posts. Some of this blog might just be me talking about my life happenings and how I feel, but I will try to make sure I at least put my thought process through certain situations so you get a basic idea what it's like to be me.
Sincerely, Bi-polar Girl
<3