trying to be different

I like being me, it's fun sometimes, but other times, I don't like being me. I get angry at things that don't matter, I say things to purposefully hurt someone and I hurt the people closest to me. It's hard, being me sometimes, except when it's not. I have tried to kill myself before because of the time's that I don't like myself. It's not like I want to die, because truth is I don't want to die, I have a fear of death, or what happens after death. I was raised christian, and christian's believe in hell, and well that's quite terrifying being burnt or tortured for the rest of eternity, but then there is also the what if there's nothing after death, then I just drift away into nothingness without having done anything while I was here, then there's the whole reincarnation, which I think would be the worse, doomed to repeat your mistakes for all of eternity, sure chances are you won't remember that you're repeating the same mistakes time after time, but still, how could I die knowing that there is a possibility that I'm just gonna do this all over again? I would hope that I could change myself know, then if there is reincarnation then maybe next time won't be so bad, and I wouldn't be having to write these blogs about how f-ed up my life is. Not that my life really is f-ed up, I mean sure I've had some troublesome times, but who know's it could be a hell of alot worse, I mean I could cold, hungry and homeless, but no I'm here in a warm bed, with family that loves me, but what do I do to them, I fight, I yell, I treat them like crap, over nothing. Well, not always nothing, I mean sure sometimes they do things that is worth being angry over, but still, I wish I could be one of those people who could just ignore it.. I would be a lot happier if I didn't react so badly over things. Like for example my boyfriends mom threw a temper-tantrum over a christmas gift, and so I got mad at him, like really hello, it's not my problem that she's yelling at him and he's not caring, so why the hell should I go and treat him like crap! So he get's mad and ignores me, which just infuriates me, I go and yell at his mom for being a childish bitch (that's what I called her) and well of course, the women who throws a temper tantrum over a gift freaks out, and I am now the center of her anger, now of course that didn't go over so well with the little scared child inside of me, and I reverted into well I don't know, i really don't, I guess I was like 5 year old me, listening to my grandma and grandpa fight because of me, and wanting it all to stop, blaming myself that I had caused this whole mess, wishing that I had never been born, I was terrified (coming back to my bf and his mom fight) and so I grabbed and piece of glass from the plate she knocked to the floor in her anger, and ripped into my skin, I have scars from it still, and I guess it's been almost a month now, since it was before mine and my bf's anniversary, and everyday I see the scar's, and it hurts, I get reminded of what I caused, what I did, and who I am. It scares me, it makes me think I can't change. Even now a month after the fight I am getting pain from that fight, my bf's mom hates me, which is killing me, because I thought of her as family, and on top if it all, because I had called a friend the night of the fight because I was scared, that friend turned his family into child protective services, and because it was my friend, it was my fault, of course though everything my friend turned her in for, was all stuff she knew from being friends with my boyfriend and his mom. So really it's not my fault, but I still blame myself, she still blames me, and it's hard to deal with, it makes me wonder if maybe I wasn't around none of this would happen. I tried apologizing to his mom, not because of what I did, because she is equally to blame for what happened, but because of what my reaction caused her family. She hasn't lost her kids, but she has to deal with inspections, and protective services checking up on them all the time, and I never wanted that for them, it's hard to believe it's my fault for looking to someone for help. I was scared that both both of what I had done, and what was going on around me, I reached out for help, and caused a mess of things, both for my relationship and for my bf's family..