acomplishments and the feeling it brings

So my boyfriends little brother just had a birthday and his mom asked him if he could create an invitation for his party, my boyfriend was going to accept (i think) until I swooped in and said "OMG I have the BEST idea for the invitation I'l do it!!!" So I began to work on his invitation. He wanted a zombie party so of course I had to make him into a zombie on his invitation, so that is exactly what I did. Naturally the kid absolutely loved it, and now I'm being told I should sell custom made invitations on ebay. So I am really considering it. I am pretty excited about doing it, but I am also quite worried about people not liking them. What if no one wants to buy them? I end up second guessing myself so although I have been thinking about doing this all weekend and now almost all week I still haven't decided if I want to do it. I am scared it won't work out the way I want it to. What if people don't like it? I am scared of being rejected by complete strangers. I think I need to just get out there and do it. But what if I can't?

that feeling I cannot shake...

I feel as if people see me as a foolish little girl for moving in with my boyfriend. My father treats me as if I am a little girl who doesn't understand what she's doing. What I wish I could tell people, but I don't want to hurt anyones feelings, is that my family pushed me to this. My uncle who has always been there for me my whole life wouldn't talk to his parents because I was living there, my father kicked me out because his girlfriend didn't like me and my grandparents are sick and expected me to become their live in nurse. It's not like I don't love my grandparents, I do, but I have my own problems and every night when I was living with them I went in my room curled into bed and thought about how much I wanted to kill myself. People say I was selfish for moving out of their house, that I should be there helping them, but isn't wanting myself dead and not finding help for it selfish. Wouldn't giving into the desperation and depression be selfish? Instead I took myself away from it. I had no where to go, but with either my boyfriend or my drug addict of a mother. What else was I supposed to do, sit in my grandparents house, depressed and contemplating suicide or move out? Which would have been more selfish, ending my life, making my family bury my body and hope that they didn't blame themselves, or moving out, helping myself get better so that I can be there for them. I don't know how I am supposed to explain that to my family without them thinking I am blaming them, but thats how i feel. I didn't choose to feel the way I do....

anger

Anger is one of those emotions that gets in your head and seeps down into your heart. I feel the anger coursing through my veins and I don't want to feel this way, but i do. I am angry at my dad, his gf, my bf's mom, and myself. I don't want to be angry at everyone, but when people hold grudges it's me that is supposed to take the high rode. I am so tired of feeling like a floor mat, but I don't want to be angry. Everyone just expects me to forgive and forget. My dad is out of jail and trying to clean up his act so I am supposed to just forgive him for neglecting me all my life. My dads gf treats me terrible and manipulates my father into kicking me out, and she expects me to apologize to her and he expects me to forgive her. My bf's mom steals my debit card info and charges money to the card without permission and I'm supposed to just not care and forgive her. I am tired of people expecting me to forgive them. I do it all the time because I am afraid of being alone. I have friends steal from me and stab me in the back and yet I still am their friend. I never forget and I'm not as trusting, but they get away with it and I am stuck with friends who think they can walk all over me and I will just forgive them. How am I supposed to trust people when everyone continues to walk over me and I'm to afraid to tell the to fuck off.....