death

I feel like killing myself. Bf and his mom are fighting. Screaming fight. I am stuck in the awkward position of wanting to hide away and never come back. I want to curl into a little ball in the closet and die. I don't want to be here. I am tired of it all.

jelousy

Soo my boyfriend juss added some chick on facebook, and of course I have no reason to be jealous, buuuut does that matter no. I still am jealous, over a person on facebook. I tell myself not to be, but of course that doesn't work. Something inside of my brain just switches on and bam I'm jealous. I want it to go away. I don't want to be a snoop and check his messages, but then at the same time I do want to. I want to know what this chick is saying to my man, or why this chick is interested in talking to my man, he's mine, not hers. I know thats all really bad and kind of possessive, but its how I feel. I don't want to feel like this, but I do.....

feeling unsafe

Parents are supposed to use discernment and only bring people into their children's lives that will keep them safe, but tonight my bf's mom did the opposite. Well technically she brought this stranger into our lives a couple days ago when she brought a strange man home from home depot. She brought this man to the home where her kids live, she gave him her number, and now he is stalking her. I feel so insecure right now. I feel like mine and the lives of my family (yes i consider my bf's family my own) are in danger. This man is terrifying and won't leave her alone, and I worry what happens tomorrow when he is still here waiting for the kids to walk to school. What happens tomorrow when I leave for school and he is lonely and decides I will have to do. These are the thoughts that run through my head when I think of this man being outside my house tonight. He terrifies me, he givess me the creeps and he won't leave. But he doesn't scare her...

meds and hw

The title is misleading, because its actually lack of meds and hw, I forgot my meds last night, and now I'm in a drooly haze trying to do hw. Anyone who has taken mood stabilizers and forgotten to take them knows how I feel. I have a tummyache my eyes are droopy, my head is spinning and I feel altogether drunk, not good drunk though, bad drunk. I feel like I drank just a little to much and need to pass out, unfortunately I haven't drank anything. On top of it I have to write and observation for my child development class. Why I thought I could do school right now is beyond me, but bi-polar disorder and meds plus school is a little hard. I need a semester off, but doing that means I lose grant money and unless I have a job I can't do that. Sigh, sucks being on meds, but I can't get off of them.....

scattered

Been having a hard time lately. Issues with dad, as usual, mostly just his gf hating me though. I think my body is trying to kill me. My knees can barely hold myself up, I wanted to kill myself the other night, and I'm cutting again. I don't know why, I don't want to tell anyone about it. I just like the feeling of the pain. I like the blood dripping from my body. I don't know how to stop it. I don't know why I like it. But it's addicting. I quit drinking energy drinks, which makes me tired. Energy drinks are bad for the body, especially when you drink them as much as I did, which was like once a day or more. I know this post is a little scattered, but its how I feel right now, scattered. My brain, my body, my life. Its all scattered....

babies?

I am really struggling with the feeling of wanting to be pregnant. I don't know how I would care for a baby, but I want one. Part of me says fuck go for it, but the rest of me says wait. But I don't want to wait! I am tired of waiting. I want a baby. I want a little mini-me or mini-bf. I want the dirty diapers, the crying, the love. I don't want to be loved, but I want to love. I want to hold the child in my arms and feel the love in my heart. My heart would beat for this young human. But my wallet is empty. I can't afford to take care of myself let alone a baby. I can't put a child through the experience of being poor. I want my child to have what they need, when they need it, not the next time I get paid. But I don't want to wait, I want a child, I want one now. How do I get rid of this feeling when it is me...

doing my own thing.

Finally got a job teaching, or well kinda babysitting, I work at a daycare. It's so much fun and I absolutely love it. I hope its permanent, and hopefully the boyfriend gets a job soon so we can finally move out. Things here are hard. I go from work, to school and back here where I'm expected to work some more. Its not that I don't like helping out its just, why are me and my boyfriend the only ones expected to do so? I am happy though that I have my job. Even if it makes school a little harder and me a little more tired, but I am not happy to come here after. I want to have a home, not a bedroom in a house with a woman who doesn't appreciate all my boyfriend does for her. He did some dishes this morning without being asked and instead of thanking him she gets mad that he didn't just do all her dishes. Why does he have to do her dishes when she won't. It's always the same fight over and over again. You don't do enough to help, you are lazy, you make my life harder. I hate hearing it. Thats why I don't like it here. I hate being told I don't do enough. I hate hearing my boyfriend verbally abused. I hate it here. I just don't have anywhere else to go. I can't move in with my dad, my grandparents can't take me in, my sister is about to lose her place, and so this is it the only place I can go without getting my own place. I just want a home to call my own. I feel like the only place I've ever been able to call home is with my grandparents, but I can't go back there and I don't want a home without my boyfriend. How do I find a home when I have no way to get there...

rules...

Just got told we have til the 15th to find our own place. Why, because she implemented a new do your own dishes rule, but now she is mad that even though we are doing our own dishes, but she expects us now to do her dishes as well. How is it fair that I have to wash dishes to make my food wash them again when I am done and then wash all of her dishes as well. I hate doing dishes, I pay rent every month as well as having to let her borrow our money because she needs more in order to go out and buy whatever the fuck she wants. I am sorry, but how is it my responsibility to clean her house. Why should I have to take care of her and her kids because she is to sick do it. Where am I supposed to go in 5 days. Why is it everywhere I go I end up being kicked out for not being a maid. I keep my room clean, I pay the rent she agreed to and yet I'm still expected to be a nanny to her children and a maid to her. Why do I even try...

boredom and depression

10:45- I love my new meds, they give me motivation to do things, only problem is, if I have nothing to do I get depressed. I don't like being depressed. I just want to curl into a ball and be counter-productive. I don't want to even try and do anything on the computer because it just reminds me how plain and boring my life is. I want my boyfriend to spend some time with me, but all he wants to do is play video games. I feel like I am invisible to him, I feel like there is nothing for me to do and my life is pointless.
12:43- I saved this draft and now I am going to talk about what the above feelings led to. I became extremely depressed which made me angry. Angry at my boyfriend, angry at myself and angry at the world. I don't know why, but I got into this abusive mood where all I wanted to do was hurt the bf. I can't handle remembering the thoughts that came into my head tonight. I didn't do anything to physically hurt him, but that doesn't mean I didn't hurt him. What happens next time though? What if I do hurt him. What if I can't handle myself and I hurt him. I hate feeling this way, I hate knowing I might of hurt the person I love most on this planet, I hate being me. I want to change. I want to be different then who I am. I want to be better...

bleh, good news for me bad news for him

So a couple of days ago my dads gf left him. This makes me happy because from the moment I met her I felt as though she was jelous of mine and my dads relationship. Well based on her reason for leaving I hate to admit I wasn't being paranoid. She believed my dad had to do more for her then for me. She was upset that he helped me get a new phone, so she left. I am happy she's gone because hopefully it means that my relationship with my dad will go back to what it was for sure, but at the same time I'm sad for my dad. It hurts him even though he won't straight up say it. It's unfair that she is making him go through this for a stupid reason, but at the same time it sure as hell makes me happy that she's finally gone, because she shouldn't be acting like that. She knew he had a kid before she moved in with him and if it's such a problem she should never have moved in with him. But now I'm terrified, now that she's gone he might start using again. If that happens our relationship won't get better, but worse. I can't handle losing him again...

apifony, or however the hell yu spell it...

Tonight I realized my trust issues aren't that I don't trust my boyfriend, but that I don't trust myself. I get so mad at him for not telling me things. They never really matter to much, but I get upset. Tonight I realized though I'm so afraid of hurting him that I get all worked up over small things. Its just like if he doesn't do it then I won't be mad, and I won't hurt him. But what if I do. What if one day I have a kid and I hurt my baby? What if I hurt the people I love....

i like going places too...

So my entire life I have been invited everywhere my sister goes to hang out and watch her step-daughter, but now all of a sudden I am not good enough to go with her. She made a new friend and so now I'm never invited to parties, the movies, or even just outings. I feel like I was being used all this time. I am so lonely, my only friend is 12, my family doesn't want me around and my boyfriend never really wants to go anywhere. How am I supposed to get better when I'm alone....

church

I was raised in a christian family and in my lifetime I have been mentally, emotionally and physically beaten by churches. I have never been in a church where the adults don't automaticaly judge me. I believe in God, or at least I want to, but how can I trust and believe in something that's not there for me? I've never felt welcome in a church which really does not help how I feel about churches, and I really just want to know there is something out there bigger then me...

Friends

So my two best friends are both younger then me, one is 12 the other 16. I love these to kids as if they were my sisters, which is why when the 16 year old starts making the exact same mistakes I did I get scared. The choices I made when I was that age led me down a very bad path, and I warn her, but of course being 16 and naive she says its different. I don't see the difference between us, but she does. I am so afraid of her getting hurt and I just don't know what to do. I know I have to let her make mistakes and grow from them, but she is naive. She doesn't understand the world because she has been sheltered from it her whole life and now because of a divorce she is being thrown into reality with anyone to guide her. How do I tell her that she needs to be careful.....

new meds

So I just started some new meds. They are amazing, except for I am used to sleeping all day, so now I have nothing to do with myself. I finished everything I needed to do for the day by 10 and now I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like playing any video games. I just am so bored! I am so happy that I'm not depressed any more but come on, I'm soooo bored I'm thinking about sleeping again...

tantrums

Its really annoying when bf's mom walks in nd starts one of her tantrums. Nothing is ever good enough for her. She gets mad that she always has to ask him to do the dishes, when he does it without her asking him he "doesnt do enough." Today she walks in to ask if she can borrow my overpriced special blend cat food, I think about it for a sec because I really wanna say no because neither me nor my bf are getting any income yet, but I say yes because her kittys are hungry, but instead of straight up saying yea, I said sure I guess. Now she's throwing a temper tantrum because I didn't say yes of course take all my money and cat food. I swear nothing I do makes anyone happy especially not her. I am trying so hard to be different and I can't I'm still not good enough, I get mad easy and I have trust issues. But no one ever worries about how I feel. No one asks if I'm handling everything in my life well. They just don't care. I always ask people things like that, but can I get some in return, no. I feel almost invisible until someone wants something. Then all of a sudden I'm their best friend and I'm really juss tired of it. How do I stand out in a world were everyone is just a robot...

sometimes

Sometimes I just want to give up. I wanna curl into a lil ball and fade away. Lately I have been putting job application after job application in, and between losing jobs and not getting hired I juss want to give up. I sit here feeling broken and confused. Why aren't I good enough to work for you. On top of that I never fully lost the weight I gained. Its disappointing.  How do I fix myself so people like me....

one more thing

Things just keep piling up in my life one after the other. Today I found out after spending all my money, that my preggo kit had a miscarriage. Every one was so excited to have baby kittys but hers didn't make it. One top of everything going on I thought new kittens would be perfect to lift my mood, but guess thats not gonna happen. Now all I want to do is curl into a ball and die....

fear

I'm on new meds and they're really starting to make me feel better. But I'm afraid of what might happen when I'm ready to have a kid? Will I have to get off my meds? Will I be able to get off my meds? If I can't will the meds hurt my baby? I don't want to get off my meds and hurt someone or myself, but I don't want to stay on my meds if they are going to hurt my baby. What do I do....

Life is not on my side

My first job was a seasonal position last year so I had to leave. Then I worked in an office, but they let me go. Then I worked at a tshirt wharehouse but they couldn't afford me. Tuesday I got hired as a nanny, wednesday she told me she changed her mind. I want to give up. I want to juss drift away. Why is it so hard to be an adult in this world. What am I doing wrong? How do I fix it....

shit happens.

My aunt has became very unreliable in the past few months, and just recently has begun to burn bridges that can't be repaired. She owes my father almost $1,000 and he wanted to setup a payment plan were she gives him as much as she can a month, but she won't. She say's she has "no money". She owes my grandma a little over $300, and when grandma asks her to help out with at least buying groceries she says "no money". So everyone lets her slide, until all of a sudden they realize she's lying, she took her new "best friend" and her friends daughter as well as her own daughter out to the movies today. Told grandma that her friend was paying for the movie, only problem is when you're going to lie like that you should let the other person in on the lie so they don't unintentionally rat you out on facebook. Yea, her friend posted on her facebook, "Thank you so much for taking us to the movie *insert name here*, you are such a blessing to me and *daughters name*." So of course now grandma knows she was lying. She lies about other things now, and so nobody wants to trust her anymore. I of course end up being moms kind of therapist, she tells me everything, so I get to sit back and watch as shit hits the fan, meanwhile no one else knows how messed up my aunt is and is still handing her money thinking she'll pay it back. Luckily I have been forewarned, and the very little bit of money I have is going nowhere near here. I will not be sucked into her web. I am staying as far away from her as possible. Plus the fact she stole from me already. Nothing big, just a controller to my wii. I just don't understand why she would do that to me. But I have been through 19 years of life and if I have not learned one thing, at least I know NEVER trust anybody, no matter what. The only ones you can trusts are your pets. What to do in a world where there is no one to watch your back.....

to good to be true

Just when it seems things are going good, everything crashes down. Me and my bf were getting information about getting an apartment. He had a great job. I have a job interview on Monday. Everything was going good. Until, today. The boss at my bf's job called him over and laid him off. His excuse he lacks proper motivation. Yet everytime my bf went in and talked to him he asked how he was doing and mr. boss man said your doing great! So of course we thought that's great we can afford an apartment and finally move out of this hell hole. But no, everything has to go to crap. I feel like there's no point to continue living. I feel like gravity is pushing me into the earth, dragging my lifeless corpse down. Farther and farther until there's nothing left. I was so excited about this new apartment, and me getting a job. Now I just don't see the point in trying. Why keep trying when I continue to get let down....

insecure

So I'm verryy insecure, and when I was younger it was even worse then it is now. Even though I'm not extremely insecure I still am pretty insecure. So what brings this all into my head at 3 o'clock in the morning is a boy. But isn't it always a boy. Anyway, there was this guy a while back when I was in highschool, he was the jock, the guy I would never have a chance with, great body, popular and of all things a football player. I hated the guy though, he was such a jerk, but of course he adds me on facebook and flirts with me, and even though I hated him before that moment I being the naive insecure little girl I was believed he's different, he just acts like that with his friends. He really likes me, ect ect ect. Now looking back, there was absolutley no chance me and him would ever go farther then him taking advantage of me. Being the insecure needy girl I was I didn't see that he was using me. That's all it ever was, I wanted a boyfriend, but he said he wasn't interested, so I believed him, and then he found a girl who wasn't me and dropped my ass like a sack of potatoes. I realized it wasn't that he had no interest in a relationship, he just wasn't interested in a relationship with me. Even now that hurts. I hate that it hurts me because other then his looks I never had any interest in him so I couldn't understand why it hurt. Looking back it's not that I liked him, but I liked the idea of someone like him, liking a messed up little girl like me. The thought that maybe I could have a family, tthe white picket fence and all that, but that would have never happened with him. We just weren't compatible. But he didn't want me, and that hurt my ego, because what is it about me. Why aren't I good enough for guys like that? I don't like that I care, because even now he's nothing but a Casanova. He thinks he's God's gift to earth. After his relationship ended he all of a sudden wanted me back, and of course the first time I went running back to him, but then he did it again, and when that happened I was with the guy I am with now, and we weren't serious so I was tempted, because well this jerk is a bit better looking then my man, and although I love my man with all my heart, jerk has just one of those bodies *drool*. But I didn't. I didn't go running into the arms of a guy who I knew would never respect me. Instead I stayed with my man, the man who loves me and respects me and treats me great. But Jerkface didn't want to take no for an answer. So I had to hurt his pretty little ego a bit. He kept bugging me for sex, and I was hanging out with my dad on my birthday and I told him that and he told me to ditch my dad for a quickie, so I agreed. What jerk didn't know was that my dad was waiting there to meet him and tell him that no means no, and I have a boyfriend. My dad loved cracking this guys ego, and I have to say it had to be the best damn birthday present my dad ever gave me. So now I try to work on my insecurity, but of course I still have that scared insecure little girl whispering in my ear telling me I'm not good enough. I try though. I try not to be insecure. I want to strong and secure, but it's so hard...

sadness wrapped in happy wrappings

Sadness. Somehow even though everything seems perfect I still seem to find depression. I know that's what bi-polar is all about, the ups and downs and blah blah blah, but what if there are no ups. Just downs. Then what. What do you do when even though something amazing is happening in life you can't help but stress about it. I feel like even though everything seems fine something bad is gonna happen. How am I supposed to be happy about anything when all I can do is stress about the what-ifs....

stories

So, I have written a couple of stories and I've only ever showed one or two of them to anyone, and today I just found one that is unfinished. Reading it I remembered how much I love to write and now wondering why I haven't continued writing. Between the craziness of my life I have kinda forgotten about writing anything other then this blog. Writing has always made me feel better, and when I started this blog I was going through a really hard time and just wanted to kind of tell people how I felt. Tell someone my side of the story, because in real life people rarely pay attention to the other persons point of view. With all thats been going on in real life though the fiction in my head has been put on a back burner. I have always had the most creative thoughts running through my head and from the time I learned to write I tried to put the thoughts down on paper. Never showing anyone just keeping these little stories, always of sadness and pain, hidden away from the world. One time I even got suspended from school because I wouldn't show my teacher my writing, of course I probably shouldn't have been writing about it during school, but I didn't see why it was my teachers business. I should start writing again...

cancer

Today is stressful. It seems as things begin to look up for me, other things fall apart. My boyfriend and I are looking for a place to live and yesterday our meeting with a realtor went great. Today his mom freaked out. As his mom is having a temper-tantrum about us moving my uncle is in the hospital. He went into the hospital this morning to get his cancerous kidney removed. He is slightly over weight, has breathing problems, and is a smoker so this surgery was high risk. Now surgery is done, hurray the cancer is out, but now he's not breathing on his own. He is laying in the hospital with a ventilator, he has slightly woken up, but wasn't aware of who was there or what was going on. His lungs are deflated and continue to fill with fluid. My mom is scared and honestly so am I. He has been like a father to me my whole life when my father hasn't. Losing him would be worse then losing my birthdad. I don't know how to live without him on this earth. I could always call him and he'd be there to help me in minutes. He's the only person I could ever count on to always be there for me. One night I was out of town with my aunt and me and my boyfriend had a fight, I was terrified we were going to break up and my aunt's husband was being a jerk. I called up my uncle told him what was going on, I was in tears more because I was stuck in a hotel room far from home with my aunt dick of a husband, and my uncle drove all the way up there at 12am to pick me up, he made a 3hour drive there to make sure I was ok. We got back at at 6am and he wasn't grumpy or upset about it, he was just happy that he could do something to make me feel better. My uncle has been there for me through everything and I have never worried about him letting me down. He is one of the few people in my life that I fully trust to be there for me no matter what happens. My grandma and grandpa and then him. I know rain or shine, hell or high water, those 3 are the only people who I can call and they will be there in an instant to help me. No matter what I do I know I can always fall back on them. With my grandma and grandpa's medical problems I know there's not a whole lot they can do or much longer that they will be here. Without them the only one I will have is my uncle. If he doesn't make it out of this I'll be left with just my grandparents and who knows how much longer I will have them before I am completly alone. I have a big family, but those three are the only true family I have. Between every break down, every episode, and every suicide attempt they are the ones who have stayed by my side no matter what. Without them who else do I have...

being an adult

A common misconception adults seem to have is that the moment a child turns 18 they magically become an adult. It's not true. I am nowhere near being an adult. I am insecure, scared and unsure about what I am going to do in my life. Adults seem to think they can throw their child out in the world and all of a sudden the child will grow up in an instant. I know I won't understand until I have children of my own, but I do know that in a child's perspective you can't treat us as the same little kids we were and expect us to magically grow up in a matter of days, we need to be taught. When a child starts to become a teenager they need to slowly be taught how to be an adult, we don't do it on our own, we need our parents help. I know most parents don't even know what to do, but if you expect us to grow up you need to help us. Why must we be thrown out into adulthood when we aren't ready...

feeling beaten

I feel as though I am the mother to 3 kids and the care taker of a rude, unthankful adult. I try my hardest to fight past the daily pain that my body brings. Friday I had a doctors appointment, as I try to get ready to go before the bus comes I hear the youngest of my boyfriends siblings let out a blood curdling scream, my automatic instinct is to stop what I'm doing and get outside as soon as possible. I get out there to see the baby only 5 years old crying screaming "I'm going to die" sitting in a pool of her own blood. She stepped on a piece of glass, it wasn't deep nothing dangerous, but because of its location she was covered in blood which made it hard to locate the piece of glass. I finally get the piece of glass out and carry her up the stairs and fast as my broken little body will take me, of course I dislocted my knee the day before so my knee was not in the best state to be running up and down stairs. Now of course you would think during all this mommy would not be in the house or at the worst asleep, no she is sitting on the couch fully aware of what is going on, but instead of asking if her child is okay she says get a towel I don't want blood on the couch. Of course that wasn't the beginning of my terrible day, no of course my day started at 2am when mommy decided to overdose on drugs, and who had to call 911 and make sure the medics knew where to find her, well I'm sure you guessed it, it was me. Of course I didn't want to, I wanted to sleep, I had to wake up early for a doctors appointment to find out why I have been so fatigued lately that I can barely stay awake. But of course no I have to stay awake no because the children are frightened because mommy has to go to the hospital. On top of all this she tells me I never help around the house, I do nothing to help her, when it has been me or my boyfriend all of the last 2 weeks(?) taking care of her kids, giving them baths, taking care of their fights and their owies, making sure they have food and drinks throughout the day. I'm not saying she's not in pain, but she sure as hell isn't the only one in pain, and she has no damn right to tell me that I am not in as much pain as she is. I try not to say anything, but if I have to hold my anger in much longer, who's telling what I might say once I blow...

waking up to no job

So I wake up this morning to a phone call that says my work can no longer afford to keep me employed. Not in the mood to deal with anyone today, but anytime I say anything to the kids who keep coming into my room all day I get yelled at. I am depressed. I want to curl up into a little ball and curl fade away, but no I can't because these kids have a lazy mother who doesn't care about anyone, but herself. I feel like a giant weight is on my shoulders and I'm stuck being the mother to 3 kids, but I can't put them on time out or punish them in anyway so they treat me terribly. They are bad little kids with know rules or structure and they don't listen to me. I just want to be left alone, but no they all want to fight and argue and beat eachother up, and will their mom do anything, no of course not, she yells at me or my bf to take care of them, but then we can't do anything that might sound mean. I thought finally I had a job I would be able to move out, but no I had to have my dreams crushed. Everything I worked for this summer just thrown away, because someone made a financial mistake. How do I survive when I can't get a break.....

grave yard shift

Tonight is my bf's first shift at his new job. This will be the first night I've slept alone in my entire life, and the first night since I moved in with my bf that I've slept without my bf. I have always had a dog sleeping curled into me. I had one month in my life where I didn't have a dog and that month was the worst month in my life. I was terrified to sleep and I know I was younger then, but I haven't slept alone ever since. At night I see things at night, I hear things and everything scares me. Without someone to protect me I don't know if I'll be able to sleep...

baby, baby, baby

Everyone I know has been having babies. There are 4 new babies and number 5 is on his way. I know I am not ready for a child, as I've said in other posts, but I want a baby. I want a little monster to care for and hold in my arms. I can't stand how many of my friends who don't want babies are having them. I'm not saying they don't love their babies now, but when they found out they were pregnant they said, I don't want a baby. How is it fair that they have babies and I can't have one yet. I mean sure I could be irresponsible and get off my birth control and get pregnant, but I don't want to do that to my baby. I want to have a good life for my child and I can't do that if I'm 19 unmarried and holding only a part time job. I have to be ready before I have my child. I have to have stability and living in my bf's house, being kicked out every other week is not stability. It's hard for me to handle everything going on in my life as it is, add a baby to the mix and my life would be pure hell. I just want a baby so badly. Bleh, if only I could just wave a magic wand and make everything better....

bad times

Haven't been having a very good month around here. Between my own craziness, and my bf's moms issues, as well as family medical problems, I just haven't been handling very well. I have been slightly depressed due to some problems in my family, my uncle has cancer, my gramps is having heart problems and may need surgery, and my gram's having some still undiagnosed problems, on top of it all I haven't been feeling that great either, just alot of fatigue and some small medical problems, but my doctor's office sucks and hasn't been able to get me an appointment. Right now though is the worse, my bf's mom just tore a ligament and can't do anything, which means me and my boyfriend are now raising three kids. His mom is being a bitch about it to, last night I spent some time with my family while my boyfriend was at work, she never asked me to come home and I wanted to check in on the granparents, and help out a bit with them. When I got home she sat there talking about how hard it was to make dinner for the kids. Needless to say dinner was pizza that you put in the oven for 30 minutes and take back out. She then told me I was rude for having left her alone to take care of her kids. I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH THE ASSHOLE THAT MADE HER A SINGLE MOM. So why should I have to drop my life and throw my family out of my life because she got hurt? Many people survive daily life in worse conditions than a tore ligament. I have my own problems and she doesn't care. I said I was having a bad pain day because my knee's have been acting up, I started my period, my asthma is acting up and my back is sore, and all I said was that I was having a bad pain day, didn't mention any of that other stuff, she looks at me and says, "Well I have three kids and a tore ligament, you don't know pain." The last time I checked me and my boyfriend have been taking care of her kids. He has done 3 store runs in the last two days, done all the dishes for two days and had to clean throw up from her kid. While I have had to instruct bath time, handle time outs, keep the kids entertained, cook dinner, serve dinner, clean up after a diarrhea accident, clean the cat box, and take care of my own pain, all while she sits her ass on the couch watching netflix. She has no right to say anything to me about how terrible her life is, because other then a tore ligament she has it pretty fuckin good. Well thats my rant for now, I need to go rest while the children sleep...

crazy

I hate the word crazy, but its hard not to admit that thats what I am. Or that's what I can be sometimes. The other night was a bad night for me, my boyfriend moved over to a different spot on the bed because he was uncomfortable, I got really upset. I then became a little violent and in the end I ended up hurting him really bad. I hate that I did that to him. I really need to see about readjusting my meds. I don't want to hurt him again. It can't happen. Then because I hurt him I had to hurt my self. I feel crazy when things like this happen. My head was spinning, and I couldn't breath, I didn't know what to do, but fight. Fighting was the only answer. Getting it out of my head all the anger and aggression was the only way to fix how I felt. How do I fix things when I break everything I am near...

depressed angry confused and cats

I bring a cat and give it to my bf's mom, what I didn't know was that I guess she isn't fixed because now she's showing signs of pregnancy. I offer to have the cat in my room until the kittens are born, because her kids are loud and constantly fighting which is not good for the cat. Now she says I am taking control of the cat because I left my door open and she chose to come in, I was doing research and was telling her what I learned and now I'm the bad guy. So I kick the cat out and shut the door, and now she is pissed at me because "my" cat peed on her bed. She then picks up the cat and throws her into my room. She is now fighting with my bf over it as I sit in the room. I don't know what to do. I feel like every thing I do everywhere I go I just cause problems. I just want to be normal. To get away from all the drama. To have my own life. I try so hard to make people happy and it never works. I do what they ask and it just makes them madder. What am I supposed to do when I feel a cloud of evil following me around everywhere I go..

MANIC

So, I take my meds, everyday, same time, same place, but yet I still get pretty manic, like right now, and obvious by my last blog post, i don't think my moods are under control, BUT I love being manic. I get sooo much done, and I have fun, and I love it. I know I need to get my meds adjusted, but if my brain is normal I won't have my manic and I will miss it. So what do i do? Do I stay on my meds the way they are and risk a bad outburst where I end up hurting someone, or do I lose my mania and adjust my meds. It's to obvious what I have to do, but I don't want to. I love running around the house doing everything I can, and getting everything I can done. I love being me. I don't want to change. But I don't want to hurt anyone. I love to be around kids, I feel free and energized and if I had a bad outburst and hurt one of my little, whatever you call the kids you babysit, I would hate myself, their parents would hate me, and I don't think I could live with myself if that happened. My whole life I have known that I was born to be around kids, to be a mom and a teacher. It's what I always wanted was to be around kids. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did anything to jeopardize that.....

*warning adult language* I AM BI-POLAR!

People may think I'm overreacting right now, but they don't know what it is like to be bi-polar, they don't know how it feels to have trust issues all my life and not want to trust anyone especially not someone who has hurt me before. I fucking swear though my meds are my meds, each and every medicine bottle in my room has a very important purpose, doctor prescribed and over the counter. IF YOU EVER TOUCH MY MEDS I WILL BE FUCKING PISSED! Don't fucking sit there and tell me it's your fucking house you can do what you want! If you walked into someone elses house and they took the meds out of your purse because they needed them you would be pissed. I will give you an over the counter motrin if you need it, but if you go into my fuckin room and take my fuckin meds without my fuckin permission then you better fuckin expect me to be fuckin pissed! I swear people have no fucking respect for another persons personal items. This fuckin shit ain't right. I hate you! I don't even let my own family get away with this fucking shit! The only fucking reason I put up with you is I have no other choice because I have nowhere else to fucking live. But when me and your son are married with kids you will be nowhere near them! They will be in another state and you just burned a fuckin bridge that can't be repaired! YOU WILL NOT HAVE GRANDCHILDREN! I and my boyfriend will have kids, but you have no fucking right to be anywhere near my family, once I move out I am cutting you out of my fucking life!

Sorry I had to post this tonight, I had to vent, I want to scream, I cut again... I hate cutting, but its the only thing I ever known, when I was little I would bite myself, now I have cutting. Pain has always been my answer. I hate this feeling of hatred and rage. I hate that I am so angry, I hate that my meds can't fix it. I hate that my therapist has to leave and I have to see someone new, I hate people. I hate that I have no place. I have no home, I have no sanctuary. No personal space, nothing. I hate that I don't have a job to give me money so I can buy a home. I hate that I'm stuck in this pit of hatred...

acomplishments and the feeling it brings

So my boyfriends little brother just had a birthday and his mom asked him if he could create an invitation for his party, my boyfriend was going to accept (i think) until I swooped in and said "OMG I have the BEST idea for the invitation I'l do it!!!" So I began to work on his invitation. He wanted a zombie party so of course I had to make him into a zombie on his invitation, so that is exactly what I did. Naturally the kid absolutely loved it, and now I'm being told I should sell custom made invitations on ebay. So I am really considering it. I am pretty excited about doing it, but I am also quite worried about people not liking them. What if no one wants to buy them? I end up second guessing myself so although I have been thinking about doing this all weekend and now almost all week I still haven't decided if I want to do it. I am scared it won't work out the way I want it to. What if people don't like it? I am scared of being rejected by complete strangers. I think I need to just get out there and do it. But what if I can't?

that feeling I cannot shake...

I feel as if people see me as a foolish little girl for moving in with my boyfriend. My father treats me as if I am a little girl who doesn't understand what she's doing. What I wish I could tell people, but I don't want to hurt anyones feelings, is that my family pushed me to this. My uncle who has always been there for me my whole life wouldn't talk to his parents because I was living there, my father kicked me out because his girlfriend didn't like me and my grandparents are sick and expected me to become their live in nurse. It's not like I don't love my grandparents, I do, but I have my own problems and every night when I was living with them I went in my room curled into bed and thought about how much I wanted to kill myself. People say I was selfish for moving out of their house, that I should be there helping them, but isn't wanting myself dead and not finding help for it selfish. Wouldn't giving into the desperation and depression be selfish? Instead I took myself away from it. I had no where to go, but with either my boyfriend or my drug addict of a mother. What else was I supposed to do, sit in my grandparents house, depressed and contemplating suicide or move out? Which would have been more selfish, ending my life, making my family bury my body and hope that they didn't blame themselves, or moving out, helping myself get better so that I can be there for them. I don't know how I am supposed to explain that to my family without them thinking I am blaming them, but thats how i feel. I didn't choose to feel the way I do....

anger

Anger is one of those emotions that gets in your head and seeps down into your heart. I feel the anger coursing through my veins and I don't want to feel this way, but i do. I am angry at my dad, his gf, my bf's mom, and myself. I don't want to be angry at everyone, but when people hold grudges it's me that is supposed to take the high rode. I am so tired of feeling like a floor mat, but I don't want to be angry. Everyone just expects me to forgive and forget. My dad is out of jail and trying to clean up his act so I am supposed to just forgive him for neglecting me all my life. My dads gf treats me terrible and manipulates my father into kicking me out, and she expects me to apologize to her and he expects me to forgive her. My bf's mom steals my debit card info and charges money to the card without permission and I'm supposed to just not care and forgive her. I am tired of people expecting me to forgive them. I do it all the time because I am afraid of being alone. I have friends steal from me and stab me in the back and yet I still am their friend. I never forget and I'm not as trusting, but they get away with it and I am stuck with friends who think they can walk all over me and I will just forgive them. How am I supposed to trust people when everyone continues to walk over me and I'm to afraid to tell the to fuck off.....

in sickness and in health...

So I spent the day with my grandparents, which was nice. But then I get a call, about 2 hours after I left. My grandpa fell got a bad cut on his leg and smashed his head pretty bad. They couldn't get the bleeding on his head to stop at first but finally did, they had to put stitches in and now theyr going in for a catscan. The catscan is to check his head because he is bleeding in his inner ear and they are worried that he may have some cancer in his head somewhere. Oh and did I mention his hand just happens to have a cancerous sore on it. He already has prostate cancer, he had some skin cancer but they got rid of it and now his skin cancer is back and he might have cancer in is head. I am really scared, but I have to keep it together for my grandma because on top of everything she doesn't need to be worrying about me. I don't want to lose either of them. I love them so much, and they are the only ones who despite our friction at times have always been there for me. I just can't lose them not yet.....

Babies

I look at pictures of babies and I think to myself, "you would make a great mother." I want a baby, every person in my family has had a child before the age of 20. I was the second one who made it to 18, but in 6 months I will be the first to make it to 20. But it's not what I want, I want a baby, but I don't think I can. I am not ready to raise a child, and I don't know if I will be ever. I just want a baby so bad, I wish I could just do it. I wish I could lose my conscience and just get off my birth control and have a baby, and lie to my family and say it had to have been the birth control not working. But I couldn't, I can't, I can't do that to my boyfriend and I couldn't do that to my child. I wish there was someway I could just skip through life, fast, so I could be financially and mentally ready for a kid. I don't want to wait. But what if I never have the chance to have a baby. What if I'm not able to have a little baby to raise and love...

"best friends forever"

Just sitting here thinking about when I was a kid and having friends. I remember saying "we'll be best friends forever. Now I think back to those days and I guess I see why we're not friends anymore. Theirs honestly only one friend I think I would still be friends with if she was around. She was my friend since birth, we were born a couple weeks apart and were inseparable ever since. But then her grandma died, and everything just kind of went down hill from there. We drifted apart and then she had to move and I thought we'd still hangout, except the only time she came to the old neighborhood she was hanging out with other people who didn't like me, and she wouldn't even tell me she was coming over or come say hi. I always thought I had done something wrong, that it was my fault that we aren't friends anymore, but I don't think that's the way it happened. I think in all honesty I just remind her of how things used to be, when things were better. I know spending time with her is hard for me because I remember Nana and I get sad, She was the grandmother I didn't have because my grandma was my mom, and then when she died I lost part of my family. I lost people that I thought would always consider me family, but now I know the only reason they were family was because of Nana and without Nana they're nothing to me. How do I let people into my life when everyone leaves....

drifting away

Sometimes I feel like I am drifting away from my friends, people I used to spend everyday with I barely even talk to. Now I am home alone while all my friends are out having fun. Part of it is because my friends that don't party all moved away and the rest of my friends don't want to hang out with me because I don't do drugs or drink. It's hard having friends because people my age don't want to hang out because they're either obsessed with school or want to party. I got invited to a party one that would have actually been pretty cool to be at with alot of my friends from highschool, but I got invited last minute and had no ride out there. I was just a last minute option. Not someone anybody wanted their badly enough to invite to invite when they invited everybody else. That makes me feel like less of a person...

lonely

sometimes, I feel so alone.. surrounded by people, but still completely alone. I know that's like something everyone says, in a room full of people, but completely alone, but that's how I feel. I feel like an outsider looking in, looking at what could be my life, but instead it's all screwed up because I am so insecure, I feel like everyone is watching me, expecting me to be perfect, and I can't. I can't live up to everyone's perfect standards of being better then my parents. I can't because I'm not them I can try not to make their mistakes, but that doesn't make me any better then them. I can say I am 19 years old not a drug addict and the first girl on my mom's side of the family to make it to 18 without a kid, but that doesn't make me better then any of them. My sister is 21 is a great loving mom of two beautiful sweet little boys, she has a job and cares for the boys better then anyone her age should have to. Sure she may have not made it to 18 without kids, but she is the sweetest most amazing mother. I don't really know my other sister or my aunt well enough to say I'm better then them. In reality the only person I can say I'm better then is my mom, and the only difference between me and her is I don't have kids and I don't do drugs, but I have no job, I have nothing to look forward to right now.  So how does not doing drugs or having kids make me better then her? How can I live up to the standards people expect me to live up to when I feel like I am alone in this world...

fathers

Whenever I get upset about my dad my bf always just tells me it doesn't matter you don't need him. But what do I do when it's my bf's dad that is upsetting me. The guy who is almost 50 was convicted of lewd acts with a 14 year old, and that's just her age when he got caught. They had the relationship for 2 years. The kid was 12 when they started "dating." In court interview he said he didn't see what the big problem was he never had sex with her. He would "eat her out" and touch her, but they never had sex, so how is that supposed to make him not a child molester. Well the problem is, my bf seems to think his dad did nothing wrong. I want to just ignore it because I know my bf would never do anything like that to a kid, but the fact that he thinks his dad did nothing wrong for the same reason that his dad thinks he didn't do anything wrong, it just sickens me. I want to tie his father up and watch him die for what he did, I want to neuter the bastard, I want to watch him bleed out. But he never had sex with the girl so the courts only gave him 2 years, and his family thinks he's still the great guy he is. I want to not worry about these things, but my baby sister is that age right now, and all I can think about is a man like him doing the same thing to my sister, and how the guy wouldn't make it to court if I found out he did something like that to my sister, and just because this girl isn't related to me or even someone I know, I still hate him for it. I regret the day I ever googled it, but I would rather know what he did then to ignore it like his family does. What do I do when the man I love is sticking up for a child molester.....

babies...

So I know I'm to young for a baby, and babies don't make life easier, and every other reason people say teenagers shouldn't get pregnant, but sometimes I just want one. I want some to take care of, a reason to wake up in the morning, a little tiny baby who's life and every need depends on me being around. I know that's not a good reason to have a baby, although come to think of it what is a good reason to have a baby? I want everything about a baby, the crying, the sickies, the cuteness. I don't just want a happy little baby to take care of, that never cries or has emotions, if I wanted that I'd get a dog, I want all the ups and downs of parenthood. I want someone who loves me on minute and hates me the next, who needs me to teach them and help them grow up. But how am I ever going to be able to take care of a baby without money? With everything wrong with me? I don't know if I could even physically be able to get through a pregnancy let alone take care of a child. How am I supposed to be the only thing I have ever wanted to be, when I can't even take care of myself......

wrecking ball

being alone with my thoughts is never a good thing... I just can't help, but to feel like a wrecking ball. Everything I touch I destroy, it's just a matter of time before I destroy my boyfriends relationship with his family. I feel this way just because of what I do when I'm around people. I don't know how I do it, but I ruin peoples lives. My grandparents are always fighting because of me.Then there's the fact that my birth and conception destroyed my dads relationship with his first wife, and kids. Now there's my dad and his gf, they never had big fights until I moved in, then I almost destroyed their relationship, then when I leave they fix everything and go back to how they were before. Then my grandparents and my uncle got in a fight and when I finally move out of their place the relationship mends itself. I want to believe I am not the reason for any of this, but it just feels like my existence on this planet has caused tension in the lives of everyone I've been around. I even caused the relationship of my best friends parents to go to hell. I caused a tear in their perfect relationship by choosing to do stupid things and their son trying to rape me, had I never gone anywhere near him that night then they wouldn't be fighting over the fact that she thinks I'm lying and he doesn't. I destroy everything I touch, and I don't know how to stop it. I try being quiet and not telling people how I feel, I try being shy and little and yet I still end up destroying everything. How can I trust anyone when I can't even trust myself...

feeling like I'm losing it...

I had this dream, it felt so, real, I was tied up, gagged and raped. It felt so real, I woke up and could still feel the pain of the ropes on my wrist and the feeling of being penetrated. It felt to real, and now I feel violated, and I keep telling myself it was just a dream, just a dream, but dreams don't feel like this. When my boyfriend got home from work I told him about it, and he juss keeps telling me, its okay it was a dream, quit thinking about it. I text my friend hoping she would understand, but of course she just laughed and told me I obviously wanted it or I wouldn't have dreamed about it. My head feels like its going to explode I don't understand why I feel so violated. How can a dream feel so intensely real? Why does it still feel like something was down there? How can I sleep when I'm afraid of my own dreams....

hopefully this goes okay

Well, I am officially moved in with my boyfriend, and soo far it has been going good, but who knows. We are both looking for jobs so we can move, again, out of his moms house. So moving day was hell, I never got on and wrote about it because I was busy, but it was hell. The grandparents were all fine and happy until my grandma's debit card went missing and she decided I stole it. I told her I'd walk over to the store and see if I had left it there, but I was sure I had given it back to her, but while I walked over my bf and my friend were gonna grab my stuff that was already packed and right there to my friends a]car, they said sure, as I walk out the door, the grandpa starts yelling at my bf to get the fuck out of his house. So then my friend and bf walked with me to the store, we get back to start moving and neither my bf or friend want to go in my house, so now I'm stuck taking all my stuff from my room to outside by myself, so my grandpa sits there saying that my bf is a fucking lazy jerk who won't even get off his lazy ass to help me. So now my grandpa hates my boyfriend because my grandpa kicked my bf out and my bf listened, ugh wtf is wrong with these people. So now my relationship with my grandpa is hell all because I'm trying to do what's best for me. How am i supposed to do anything right when everything I do is wrong.....

moving again...

It was a hard decision to make, and honestly I hadn't really made up my mind, I just jumped into it because I knew I was going to chicken out. I am moving in with my boyfriend. Not because we are ready, because hell we're not, we're gonna be living with his mom. But because everytime I have a conversation with my mom it turns into I'm not good enough, and since I moved back in I have considered suicide way to often, and moving in with my boyfriend might not help that, but I'm done, I'm tired of feeling depressed, and if this doesn't work then I will have to figure out another way, but I'm going to try, because hell who knows this might be the best thing for me. Never know until you try, but ever since I started to become somewhat of a grown-up, (not using adult for obvious reasons) living with the grandparents has made me feel depressed, I didn't realize it was them until I moved out, and things seemed so much better. I have always been so afraid of disappointing them that I don't have time to worry about what makes me happy, and in all honesty I want to make me happy, I am tired of making everyone else happy. I lived with my boyfriend for a while and we were good we got along, we worked well together, but then my dad and his girlfriend bought a house and I thought that was the key to a normal life, at least for a while. But now I'm am back here in the same old house, doing the same old thing, feeling the same old way, but now I feel like I have disappointed my grandparents, which is always hard for me. How am I supposed to feel happy when happy feels wrong?

being told that im a burden.

I've always felt like I was a burden on everyones life, but everyone has always told me that I'm not, until today. When I moved in it was because I had no place else to go now I'm being told it's because they wanted someone to help. I have been, I go shopping for them, I do anything they ask me to do, but because my dad's chore is laundry, because thats the only thing he can physically do, I am making his life harder. I have said countless times I will do my own laundry, but no they alwasy tell me they'll do it. I try to leave my clothes in my room so I can do them myself and when I'm at school they come in and put them in their laundry then yell at me for leaving them in my room. Nothing I do around here is good enough, and I don't know if it's my fault or if its just them. I'm starting to feel like I'm a failure as a daughter. How can I do anything to help myself when I can't even help my family, what's the point of even trying....

remembering why I moved out

So around January of last year I had enough of living with my grandparents, so I moved in with my dad, but his apartment was to small so I moved in with my boyfriend and his mom until I could move back in with my dad, when he bought his house. Living with my boyfriends mom was okay, except when she found it necessary to demean him, tell him he was fat and lazy when he did everything around the house that she was to lazy to do. So I was happy to move out of there, then I moved in with my dad which was okay aside from his girlfriend. They gave me a list of chores, that when I was not at work I did. When they wrote the list of chores for me they said do these once a week, then that shortened to twice a week, and that shortened to once a day, which between work and school and not feeling well I never had the time to have a personal life, which meant no friends, no boyfriend and no time to go visit my little cousin, who I can't imagine not seeing at least every other week. But it was what it was, I tried, I tried to do the chores as often as I could, but it was ridiculous cleaning the bathroom everyday, so the dads girlfriend got mad and I ended up getting kicked out, but of course he's decided he wants me back, only if I apologize of course. But that's not what this blog is about, The whole point is way back in January I had moved out of my grandparents, and the reason was, they had asked me to go help there friend out with his computer, and I did, then when I came back they had decided that they had wanted me to make them dinner, but I had taken to long at their friends house. So it started a big fight in which they continuously told me I never did anything around the house, which I did, and do now, I go to the store whenever they need me to, I help with the other chores when they ask, as well as I do my small list of chores. But do they ever remember that? No of course not they always tell me how I do nothing to help out and it makes me feel used, and not good enough. I try so hard to make them happy, because that's just how I was raised, I was raised to try and make them happy, and that's what I try to do, even though I don't want to, when I'm not thinking about it I am trying to make them happy. I just can't help it, my life as always been about making them happy because I have always been afraid if I don't make them happy they will leave me. Because that's how it goes in my life, if I don't keep people happy they leave me. I hate feeling like no matter what I do I'm not good enough, not good enough to keep my parents in my life, not good enough to keep my sisters in my life, not good enough to keep friends in my life, just not good enough. How am I supposed to keep going when I constantly feel like I'm not good enough...

unknown medical issues and job loss

So I started a new job this month, unfortunately I also got this strange illness that I can't seem to shake, so of course because I missed work Tuesday to go to the ER they decided that my attendance wasn't high enough, because I missed on day, and they are terminating me. I didn't really like the job, honestly because all I did was sit in an office all day and do nothing, and I don't think I'm a sit in a quiet office kind of gal, but now I am jobless, and sick, and have no money. I keep trying to see the bright side of this, like i can now look for an opportunity that better suits my personality, but I feel like in this economy with my limited experience it's going to be way to hard to find a job and on top of it all I am still sick, my body feels weak all the time, and I don't know what I am going to do to get rid of it, and work was a really good distraction and I've lost that. I'm not even sure I want to even try anymore...

future talk

So today my boyfriend said something, that probably will stick in my head for awhile, and it has made me so happy, he told me that he was thinking about ways to propose to me, not now obviously because we're not ready, but when we are ready. But hearing that made me sooo happy. He's not the best at showing me how he feels, and I know he loves me, but I wasn't sure if he saw a future with me, because hell who would wanna spend the rest of their lives with psycho little me. I am mean, and un-trusting sometimes, but obviously there is something here that makes him want to spend the rest of his life with me. ME, hah I can't believe it, not those other girls out there, that are well not bi-polar for one, but they are outgoing and friendly and I'm sure I could keep going on with a million things that are better about them, but I don't have to because he wants me. No this isn't like I need a man to validate myself or whatever the heck people wanna say about it, but when things get real bad I feel like giving up, and one of the biggest reasons I haven't yet is him, not that there weren't times I came close to just giving up, had the pill bottle in my hands, and probably took a little to many, just not enough, because all I could think was I'd be hurting him. And I know I should want to stay alive for myself blah blah blah, and I do, sometimes, but there are moments where I need more then "life will get better just stay in the game" to get me through it, and he has been it the last couple of hard times I went through. It's nice knowing I have a future, one with a husband and hopefully a kid or two, and if we get our way we'll be rich and spoil our kids. I want my kid to have what I never did, not money and fancy stuff, although that is a plus, but two parents who love them and eachother, parents who can show them what true love is, so they know what to look for, I want my kids to have love in their life, to be surrounded by love and to be able to love....

stress of the home life

Everyone says, "don't give up, it gets better when you're older," but that's not happening, nothing is getting better. I feel like my grandparents expect me to be an adult, but want to treat me as a kid. Like today, I woke up with a fever and didn't go to work, then my granma got extremely upset when I went to my boyfriends house to do homework.  The homework I am doing I need his help to do, and it is due on Sunday, I didn't want to come over here today, because I didn't want to leave my warm comfy bed, but I had to get this work done, my mom acted like I made up being sick just to spend time with my boyfriend, but she is the one who told me maybe I should stay home from work and rest. She makes me like I am still 16 with no control over my life, and I don't like having no control, I understand I'm living under her roof, but I am still 19 I still need to have a life and make my own mistakes, it is so hard being in a house where I feel suppressed, I can't do anything people my age do, I can't go to parties, I can't go hang with friends, and I can't make mistakes. It makes me hate them, and I don't like hating anyone. I feel like there is no point in trying, because even when I try I make people angry. Why try when nothing makes anything different....

paranoia

So I have these really bad fits of paranoia, and my boyfriend doesn't help them very much especially not today. When ever anything bad happens I always go to the worst possible solution, and when my boyfriend doesn't text me back for over two hours my first thought is he must be dead. I tried calling him calling his mom, and nothing, so of course I start having a panic attack and freaking out and when I finally do get a hold of him he calls me crazy, which is something I have a hard time dealing with, so of course I cut myself. I try not to do that, but sometimes I just can't help it. Seeing the cuts on my wrist hurts though, I feel this pain in my chest, I can't stand them. And people always tell me well if you feel that way then stop, but I can't, it's not that easy, it's always been my stress relief, and tonight I don't know how to explain it really, but I didn't do it, my emotions did. I didn't even feel the blade against my skin, I honestly didn't know I had cut myself until I looked down and saw the blood. I can't stop if I can't even control it happening....

jelousy

So, I struggle with jealousy. Alot. I try not to be jealous because in my heart I know I have no reason to be, but with my trust issues and everything I am jealous, extremely jealous. I hate that I am, I just can't help it. It's not just I'm jealous of my boyfriend hanging out with females though, it's anyone really, I get jealous when he's with anyone that isn't me, and I hate it. I hate hating people I don't know just because he talks to them, but it's there, no matter what I want to feel, or how I try to stop feeling it, I feel it. I feel jealousy to the point that I hate complete strangers. Like this girl he used to go to church with, he doesn't hang out with her or anything they just talk on facebook, but does that stop me from being jealous no, I hate her, I want to cuss her out, punch her, slap her, anything. I just want her away from my man, because I guess, I just don't want to share him. I don't want him to decide he likes her better then me, I don't want to be left. And yes I know it all stems down to abandonment issues from my birthparents, and I really should work on it before I push him away, but I don't know how, I've tried therapy, it doesn't help. I have no clue how to get over the abandonment issues, and it's not like I want them around. I push away everyone I love because I am so afraid of losing them. It's hard being me sometimes.....

being forgotten..

So today I was supposed to go to my boyfriends house. Lately I've been a little unstable, between being kicked out of my dad's house, having my uncle call me a liar and some small stuff with my boyfriend, I have really been struggling with my abandonment issues. So I walk all the way up to my boyfriends house, happy to spend a day with him and get away from the pain of my life, and he's not here, in fact no is. He left. His mom and him had to go to the welfare office and he had to go with, but he forgot I was coming over so he didn't tell me. So now I am stuck sitting in the library across the street from his house, tears in my eyes and not enough bus money to get home and then get to school and back home from school again. It hurts. I already feel neglected in my life and now the one person who is there for me when no one else is forgot about me. I have such a hard time fighting my abandonment issues and then people go and abandon me and make it worse. I can't trust anyone not to leave me or forget about me. I feel like I'm so easily forgotten, and I don't know how to explain to my boyfriend how it makes me feel. He thinks saying sorry should fix it all, but it doesn't. Sorry doesn't take away the pain or the feeling of abandonment and nothing fixes how I feel right now. I just wish I could make it go away..

teenager drama and drugs

I feel like I aged 40 years in a couple of hours. After all the stuff going on with the adults in my life a bit of teenage drama is really unnecessary, but when a friend calls me at 11 o'clock at night barely able to talk because she's so high I can't just turn her away, especially if she's at the house of the guy who tried to rape me. So of course, my loving nature and concern puts me in the middle of drama again. I had to stay on the phone with this girl until her mom showed up to pick her up. Now I'm sure she hates me though, because half way through her sentence she hung up without a word so I called her mom to make sure she was okay, and I did inform her the reason for my concern was because my friend was high in a house alone with 4 boys one of whom has a history of going to far. I felt lame. I'm a 19 year old girl I should be out hanging out with my friends not having to lecture them on drugs. I chose her as a friend specifically for the fact that her family life is alot like mine and she used to have the same views as me, but now I don't know if I can be her friend. I can't put myself through the emotional stress of worrying about her and I can't just ignore her when she needs help, but I don't want to lose a good friend....

moving, again

moving is stressful enough as it is, then you add the drama of family and it gets harder. I got called a Lying F****** Brat today and got completly kicked out of my birth-dads house, all this because as far as I can tell I didn't clean the bathroom. I also learned a valuable lesson, family isn't defined by blood, but the people who are there for you. I learned today who my true family is, my grandparents, my aunt, her husband, my boyfriend, and 2 of my bestgirlfriends as well as mayb a couple of church friends. My 2 bestfriends were there for me (on the phone because physically they couldn't be there) the whole day today, keeping me from breaking down, it feels good to cry, but it does not feel good to break, I have such a supportive family. It's nice knowing there are people there for you the whole way through good and bad...

hell

my definition of hell is what I'm going through right now, my dad telling me that the small bit of savings I had from my 1 1/2 month job should have gone to him, the same father who wasn't there for me most of my life. Getting kicked out because my room is "disgusting" when it's the cleanest it has been my entire life, and it was never disgusting just messy. I haven't clean the bathroom because the shower has been broken all week, and I can't clean if I can't take a shower, because I will have a panic attack. I can't be around bodily fluids without my heart racing, dried up and old or fresh and smelly, I just can't do it. So after I clean the bathroom I always have to take a long burning hot shower and burn the germs away, and anyone who knows me know this, so what my dad doesn't know me. No his reasoning is your room is disgusting you couldn't be germaphobic. MY ROOM ISN'T GERMY! Its a little cluttered, but very clean. The hardest thing about this all is that he's on her side. Wouldn't it just be easier to not have a dad....