crazy

I hate the word crazy, but its hard not to admit that thats what I am. Or that's what I can be sometimes. The other night was a bad night for me, my boyfriend moved over to a different spot on the bed because he was uncomfortable, I got really upset. I then became a little violent and in the end I ended up hurting him really bad. I hate that I did that to him. I really need to see about readjusting my meds. I don't want to hurt him again. It can't happen. Then because I hurt him I had to hurt my self. I feel crazy when things like this happen. My head was spinning, and I couldn't breath, I didn't know what to do, but fight. Fighting was the only answer. Getting it out of my head all the anger and aggression was the only way to fix how I felt. How do I fix things when I break everything I am near...

depressed angry confused and cats

I bring a cat and give it to my bf's mom, what I didn't know was that I guess she isn't fixed because now she's showing signs of pregnancy. I offer to have the cat in my room until the kittens are born, because her kids are loud and constantly fighting which is not good for the cat. Now she says I am taking control of the cat because I left my door open and she chose to come in, I was doing research and was telling her what I learned and now I'm the bad guy. So I kick the cat out and shut the door, and now she is pissed at me because "my" cat peed on her bed. She then picks up the cat and throws her into my room. She is now fighting with my bf over it as I sit in the room. I don't know what to do. I feel like every thing I do everywhere I go I just cause problems. I just want to be normal. To get away from all the drama. To have my own life. I try so hard to make people happy and it never works. I do what they ask and it just makes them madder. What am I supposed to do when I feel a cloud of evil following me around everywhere I go..

MANIC

So, I take my meds, everyday, same time, same place, but yet I still get pretty manic, like right now, and obvious by my last blog post, i don't think my moods are under control, BUT I love being manic. I get sooo much done, and I have fun, and I love it. I know I need to get my meds adjusted, but if my brain is normal I won't have my manic and I will miss it. So what do i do? Do I stay on my meds the way they are and risk a bad outburst where I end up hurting someone, or do I lose my mania and adjust my meds. It's to obvious what I have to do, but I don't want to. I love running around the house doing everything I can, and getting everything I can done. I love being me. I don't want to change. But I don't want to hurt anyone. I love to be around kids, I feel free and energized and if I had a bad outburst and hurt one of my little, whatever you call the kids you babysit, I would hate myself, their parents would hate me, and I don't think I could live with myself if that happened. My whole life I have known that I was born to be around kids, to be a mom and a teacher. It's what I always wanted was to be around kids. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did anything to jeopardize that.....

*warning adult language* I AM BI-POLAR!

People may think I'm overreacting right now, but they don't know what it is like to be bi-polar, they don't know how it feels to have trust issues all my life and not want to trust anyone especially not someone who has hurt me before. I fucking swear though my meds are my meds, each and every medicine bottle in my room has a very important purpose, doctor prescribed and over the counter. IF YOU EVER TOUCH MY MEDS I WILL BE FUCKING PISSED! Don't fucking sit there and tell me it's your fucking house you can do what you want! If you walked into someone elses house and they took the meds out of your purse because they needed them you would be pissed. I will give you an over the counter motrin if you need it, but if you go into my fuckin room and take my fuckin meds without my fuckin permission then you better fuckin expect me to be fuckin pissed! I swear people have no fucking respect for another persons personal items. This fuckin shit ain't right. I hate you! I don't even let my own family get away with this fucking shit! The only fucking reason I put up with you is I have no other choice because I have nowhere else to fucking live. But when me and your son are married with kids you will be nowhere near them! They will be in another state and you just burned a fuckin bridge that can't be repaired! YOU WILL NOT HAVE GRANDCHILDREN! I and my boyfriend will have kids, but you have no fucking right to be anywhere near my family, once I move out I am cutting you out of my fucking life!

Sorry I had to post this tonight, I had to vent, I want to scream, I cut again... I hate cutting, but its the only thing I ever known, when I was little I would bite myself, now I have cutting. Pain has always been my answer. I hate this feeling of hatred and rage. I hate that I am so angry, I hate that my meds can't fix it. I hate that my therapist has to leave and I have to see someone new, I hate people. I hate that I have no place. I have no home, I have no sanctuary. No personal space, nothing. I hate that I don't have a job to give me money so I can buy a home. I hate that I'm stuck in this pit of hatred...