sadness wrapped in happy wrappings

Sadness. Somehow even though everything seems perfect I still seem to find depression. I know that's what bi-polar is all about, the ups and downs and blah blah blah, but what if there are no ups. Just downs. Then what. What do you do when even though something amazing is happening in life you can't help but stress about it. I feel like even though everything seems fine something bad is gonna happen. How am I supposed to be happy about anything when all I can do is stress about the what-ifs....

stories

So, I have written a couple of stories and I've only ever showed one or two of them to anyone, and today I just found one that is unfinished. Reading it I remembered how much I love to write and now wondering why I haven't continued writing. Between the craziness of my life I have kinda forgotten about writing anything other then this blog. Writing has always made me feel better, and when I started this blog I was going through a really hard time and just wanted to kind of tell people how I felt. Tell someone my side of the story, because in real life people rarely pay attention to the other persons point of view. With all thats been going on in real life though the fiction in my head has been put on a back burner. I have always had the most creative thoughts running through my head and from the time I learned to write I tried to put the thoughts down on paper. Never showing anyone just keeping these little stories, always of sadness and pain, hidden away from the world. One time I even got suspended from school because I wouldn't show my teacher my writing, of course I probably shouldn't have been writing about it during school, but I didn't see why it was my teachers business. I should start writing again...

cancer

Today is stressful. It seems as things begin to look up for me, other things fall apart. My boyfriend and I are looking for a place to live and yesterday our meeting with a realtor went great. Today his mom freaked out. As his mom is having a temper-tantrum about us moving my uncle is in the hospital. He went into the hospital this morning to get his cancerous kidney removed. He is slightly over weight, has breathing problems, and is a smoker so this surgery was high risk. Now surgery is done, hurray the cancer is out, but now he's not breathing on his own. He is laying in the hospital with a ventilator, he has slightly woken up, but wasn't aware of who was there or what was going on. His lungs are deflated and continue to fill with fluid. My mom is scared and honestly so am I. He has been like a father to me my whole life when my father hasn't. Losing him would be worse then losing my birthdad. I don't know how to live without him on this earth. I could always call him and he'd be there to help me in minutes. He's the only person I could ever count on to always be there for me. One night I was out of town with my aunt and me and my boyfriend had a fight, I was terrified we were going to break up and my aunt's husband was being a jerk. I called up my uncle told him what was going on, I was in tears more because I was stuck in a hotel room far from home with my aunt dick of a husband, and my uncle drove all the way up there at 12am to pick me up, he made a 3hour drive there to make sure I was ok. We got back at at 6am and he wasn't grumpy or upset about it, he was just happy that he could do something to make me feel better. My uncle has been there for me through everything and I have never worried about him letting me down. He is one of the few people in my life that I fully trust to be there for me no matter what happens. My grandma and grandpa and then him. I know rain or shine, hell or high water, those 3 are the only people who I can call and they will be there in an instant to help me. No matter what I do I know I can always fall back on them. With my grandma and grandpa's medical problems I know there's not a whole lot they can do or much longer that they will be here. Without them the only one I will have is my uncle. If he doesn't make it out of this I'll be left with just my grandparents and who knows how much longer I will have them before I am completly alone. I have a big family, but those three are the only true family I have. Between every break down, every episode, and every suicide attempt they are the ones who have stayed by my side no matter what. Without them who else do I have...

being an adult

A common misconception adults seem to have is that the moment a child turns 18 they magically become an adult. It's not true. I am nowhere near being an adult. I am insecure, scared and unsure about what I am going to do in my life. Adults seem to think they can throw their child out in the world and all of a sudden the child will grow up in an instant. I know I won't understand until I have children of my own, but I do know that in a child's perspective you can't treat us as the same little kids we were and expect us to magically grow up in a matter of days, we need to be taught. When a child starts to become a teenager they need to slowly be taught how to be an adult, we don't do it on our own, we need our parents help. I know most parents don't even know what to do, but if you expect us to grow up you need to help us. Why must we be thrown out into adulthood when we aren't ready...

feeling beaten

I feel as though I am the mother to 3 kids and the care taker of a rude, unthankful adult. I try my hardest to fight past the daily pain that my body brings. Friday I had a doctors appointment, as I try to get ready to go before the bus comes I hear the youngest of my boyfriends siblings let out a blood curdling scream, my automatic instinct is to stop what I'm doing and get outside as soon as possible. I get out there to see the baby only 5 years old crying screaming "I'm going to die" sitting in a pool of her own blood. She stepped on a piece of glass, it wasn't deep nothing dangerous, but because of its location she was covered in blood which made it hard to locate the piece of glass. I finally get the piece of glass out and carry her up the stairs and fast as my broken little body will take me, of course I dislocted my knee the day before so my knee was not in the best state to be running up and down stairs. Now of course you would think during all this mommy would not be in the house or at the worst asleep, no she is sitting on the couch fully aware of what is going on, but instead of asking if her child is okay she says get a towel I don't want blood on the couch. Of course that wasn't the beginning of my terrible day, no of course my day started at 2am when mommy decided to overdose on drugs, and who had to call 911 and make sure the medics knew where to find her, well I'm sure you guessed it, it was me. Of course I didn't want to, I wanted to sleep, I had to wake up early for a doctors appointment to find out why I have been so fatigued lately that I can barely stay awake. But of course no I have to stay awake no because the children are frightened because mommy has to go to the hospital. On top of all this she tells me I never help around the house, I do nothing to help her, when it has been me or my boyfriend all of the last 2 weeks(?) taking care of her kids, giving them baths, taking care of their fights and their owies, making sure they have food and drinks throughout the day. I'm not saying she's not in pain, but she sure as hell isn't the only one in pain, and she has no damn right to tell me that I am not in as much pain as she is. I try not to say anything, but if I have to hold my anger in much longer, who's telling what I might say once I blow...

waking up to no job

So I wake up this morning to a phone call that says my work can no longer afford to keep me employed. Not in the mood to deal with anyone today, but anytime I say anything to the kids who keep coming into my room all day I get yelled at. I am depressed. I want to curl up into a little ball and curl fade away, but no I can't because these kids have a lazy mother who doesn't care about anyone, but herself. I feel like a giant weight is on my shoulders and I'm stuck being the mother to 3 kids, but I can't put them on time out or punish them in anyway so they treat me terribly. They are bad little kids with know rules or structure and they don't listen to me. I just want to be left alone, but no they all want to fight and argue and beat eachother up, and will their mom do anything, no of course not, she yells at me or my bf to take care of them, but then we can't do anything that might sound mean. I thought finally I had a job I would be able to move out, but no I had to have my dreams crushed. Everything I worked for this summer just thrown away, because someone made a financial mistake. How do I survive when I can't get a break.....

grave yard shift

Tonight is my bf's first shift at his new job. This will be the first night I've slept alone in my entire life, and the first night since I moved in with my bf that I've slept without my bf. I have always had a dog sleeping curled into me. I had one month in my life where I didn't have a dog and that month was the worst month in my life. I was terrified to sleep and I know I was younger then, but I haven't slept alone ever since. At night I see things at night, I hear things and everything scares me. Without someone to protect me I don't know if I'll be able to sleep...

baby, baby, baby

Everyone I know has been having babies. There are 4 new babies and number 5 is on his way. I know I am not ready for a child, as I've said in other posts, but I want a baby. I want a little monster to care for and hold in my arms. I can't stand how many of my friends who don't want babies are having them. I'm not saying they don't love their babies now, but when they found out they were pregnant they said, I don't want a baby. How is it fair that they have babies and I can't have one yet. I mean sure I could be irresponsible and get off my birth control and get pregnant, but I don't want to do that to my baby. I want to have a good life for my child and I can't do that if I'm 19 unmarried and holding only a part time job. I have to be ready before I have my child. I have to have stability and living in my bf's house, being kicked out every other week is not stability. It's hard for me to handle everything going on in my life as it is, add a baby to the mix and my life would be pure hell. I just want a baby so badly. Bleh, if only I could just wave a magic wand and make everything better....

bad times

Haven't been having a very good month around here. Between my own craziness, and my bf's moms issues, as well as family medical problems, I just haven't been handling very well. I have been slightly depressed due to some problems in my family, my uncle has cancer, my gramps is having heart problems and may need surgery, and my gram's having some still undiagnosed problems, on top of it all I haven't been feeling that great either, just alot of fatigue and some small medical problems, but my doctor's office sucks and hasn't been able to get me an appointment. Right now though is the worse, my bf's mom just tore a ligament and can't do anything, which means me and my boyfriend are now raising three kids. His mom is being a bitch about it to, last night I spent some time with my family while my boyfriend was at work, she never asked me to come home and I wanted to check in on the granparents, and help out a bit with them. When I got home she sat there talking about how hard it was to make dinner for the kids. Needless to say dinner was pizza that you put in the oven for 30 minutes and take back out. She then told me I was rude for having left her alone to take care of her kids. I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH THE ASSHOLE THAT MADE HER A SINGLE MOM. So why should I have to drop my life and throw my family out of my life because she got hurt? Many people survive daily life in worse conditions than a tore ligament. I have my own problems and she doesn't care. I said I was having a bad pain day because my knee's have been acting up, I started my period, my asthma is acting up and my back is sore, and all I said was that I was having a bad pain day, didn't mention any of that other stuff, she looks at me and says, "Well I have three kids and a tore ligament, you don't know pain." The last time I checked me and my boyfriend have been taking care of her kids. He has done 3 store runs in the last two days, done all the dishes for two days and had to clean throw up from her kid. While I have had to instruct bath time, handle time outs, keep the kids entertained, cook dinner, serve dinner, clean up after a diarrhea accident, clean the cat box, and take care of my own pain, all while she sits her ass on the couch watching netflix. She has no right to say anything to me about how terrible her life is, because other then a tore ligament she has it pretty fuckin good. Well thats my rant for now, I need to go rest while the children sleep...