trying to be different

I like being me, it's fun sometimes, but other times, I don't like being me. I get angry at things that don't matter, I say things to purposefully hurt someone and I hurt the people closest to me. It's hard, being me sometimes, except when it's not. I have tried to kill myself before because of the time's that I don't like myself. It's not like I want to die, because truth is I don't want to die, I have a fear of death, or what happens after death. I was raised christian, and christian's believe in hell, and well that's quite terrifying being burnt or tortured for the rest of eternity, but then there is also the what if there's nothing after death, then I just drift away into nothingness without having done anything while I was here, then there's the whole reincarnation, which I think would be the worse, doomed to repeat your mistakes for all of eternity, sure chances are you won't remember that you're repeating the same mistakes time after time, but still, how could I die knowing that there is a possibility that I'm just gonna do this all over again? I would hope that I could change myself know, then if there is reincarnation then maybe next time won't be so bad, and I wouldn't be having to write these blogs about how f-ed up my life is. Not that my life really is f-ed up, I mean sure I've had some troublesome times, but who know's it could be a hell of alot worse, I mean I could cold, hungry and homeless, but no I'm here in a warm bed, with family that loves me, but what do I do to them, I fight, I yell, I treat them like crap, over nothing. Well, not always nothing, I mean sure sometimes they do things that is worth being angry over, but still, I wish I could be one of those people who could just ignore it.. I would be a lot happier if I didn't react so badly over things. Like for example my boyfriends mom threw a temper-tantrum over a christmas gift, and so I got mad at him, like really hello, it's not my problem that she's yelling at him and he's not caring, so why the hell should I go and treat him like crap! So he get's mad and ignores me, which just infuriates me, I go and yell at his mom for being a childish bitch (that's what I called her) and well of course, the women who throws a temper tantrum over a gift freaks out, and I am now the center of her anger, now of course that didn't go over so well with the little scared child inside of me, and I reverted into well I don't know, i really don't, I guess I was like 5 year old me, listening to my grandma and grandpa fight because of me, and wanting it all to stop, blaming myself that I had caused this whole mess, wishing that I had never been born, I was terrified (coming back to my bf and his mom fight) and so I grabbed and piece of glass from the plate she knocked to the floor in her anger, and ripped into my skin, I have scars from it still, and I guess it's been almost a month now, since it was before mine and my bf's anniversary, and everyday I see the scar's, and it hurts, I get reminded of what I caused, what I did, and who I am. It scares me, it makes me think I can't change. Even now a month after the fight I am getting pain from that fight, my bf's mom hates me, which is killing me, because I thought of her as family, and on top if it all, because I had called a friend the night of the fight because I was scared, that friend turned his family into child protective services, and because it was my friend, it was my fault, of course though everything my friend turned her in for, was all stuff she knew from being friends with my boyfriend and his mom. So really it's not my fault, but I still blame myself, she still blames me, and it's hard to deal with, it makes me wonder if maybe I wasn't around none of this would happen. I tried apologizing to his mom, not because of what I did, because she is equally to blame for what happened, but because of what my reaction caused her family. She hasn't lost her kids, but she has to deal with inspections, and protective services checking up on them all the time, and I never wanted that for them, it's hard to believe it's my fault for looking to someone for help. I was scared that both both of what I had done, and what was going on around me, I reached out for help, and caused a mess of things, both for my relationship and for my bf's family..

random thoughts, periods and brokenness

So I'm sitting here thinking about being me, and you know as much as I like me, it sure as hell would be nice to grab everything inside me that is broken, and fix it. I would love to fix my body, make it in fancy new working condition, no bi-polar, no muscle problems, no back pain, no lung issues, and anything else I don't know I have yet. My life would be so much easier without at least some of those problems.
Then there's the whole girl stuff, like every month at that time, you know what I'm talking about, well I always get this feeling, where part of me wants to be pregnant, now don't worry I'm stupid enough to go and purposely get pregnant I'm only 19 and am sooo not ready for that, but there is a small part of me that kinda wishes that there was an accident. So come that time of the month when I haven't exactly started yet, but I know it's time I kinda get a little happy that I might be pregnant and then when I start although I know I'm not ready for a kid I still have a little disappointment, i don't know, I just kinda want a baby even though I know I'm not ready yet, at all, I can't even take care of myself.

dealing with being thrown into the single life

Well, as of yesterday my bf of 2 years broke up with me, it's hard, I admit maybe its whats best for me, but it hurts. Everything in my house reminds me of him. The blanket we shared when we had sleep overs, the stuff he gave me, playing games together, the bed we made love on, the couch we sat and watched tv on, the table we shared dinner at, and then outside the house, the places we went together, the music we listened to in the car, the place he works, the school he goes to, the places he might like to go to. It's hard, there's no place I can go without being reminded of him, no one I can talk to without wanting to cry, tears are rolling down my cheeks now as I right this, it's hard because we shared so much together, movies, games, tv, family, everything I can think of has a memory attached to it. He's spent time with all my family, all my friends, every place I have been I've brought him with, church, home, theme parks, everywhere. I shared everything with him and now I feel like I'm being torn apart from the inside. I can't even cuddle with my dog without thinking about him. I have so many memories that are flooding back, so many special things we did together, even small things, just everything is flooding into my mind, bringing the tears and pain, and the worse part is he seems okay. He does seem a little down about it, but nowhere near how I feel, I want to curl up in his arms and cry and beg him to stay with me, but it's not what I want, I don't want to lower my self worth by begging him to stay with me, if we're gonna be together I want him to want to be with me, not just be with me because he feel's bad for me, that has happened to many times in our relationship and look where it got me. It's so hard though, 2 years and I'm left with nothing, but painful memories. I feel like I am being torn into 2 pieces, I loved him so much, and now I have to try and live without him.
It's hard, everyone keeps telling me I deserve better, I don't feel like that's true, not that I don't deserve better, but that there is anyone out there that's as great with me as he is. We got along most of the time and he was amazing, loving, and so perfect for me. I guess I just have to get over my bi-polar problems first before I can have a relationship, it's just so hard, I feel like if I don't find someone who can deal with my bi-polar soon I never will.

Boyfriend troubles and constant calling

Okay so my first official blog post about me. So today me and my boyfriend got in a little spat, over whether or not he trusts me. Now he won't talk to me. Which is kinda the reason I started this whole blog thing. I started with asking if he was talking to me at 8:45, no reply. Now the last time he had texted me was around 2pm and he was out so in my head I start listing all the possibilities, did he get run over by a car, kidnapped, murdered, did he suffer from some unexplained illness like the ones on house, ect. ect. now I know it may seem crazy, but you never know when something bad could happen. So I text him again at 8:51, this time reminding him how paranoid I get and asking him to please text me so I know he's ok. He replies with a simple "I'm home." So of course I take this opportunity to try and find out why he's not texting me, no reply. 9:07, I text him again "will you please reply?" Nothing, so at 9:30 I apologize again and ask him what I can do to help, then text him again at 9:40 reminding him how much I hate fighting and I hate when he ignores me. Then 9:49 I text him again saying "fine lets play a computer game" no reply still, then at 10:20 please text me, then again at 11:07, asking him to text me, then I call him, leave a message and now I stopped. I hate that he won't even text me to leave him alone. Nothing, from him just silence. Then I get back to that what if something happened. I know he texted me saying he was home, but what if that was someone who stole his phone. His mom hates me so I know if something happened she wouldn't tell me. So my heart is racing, my thoughts are racing and I feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I hate when we fight and I hate even more when the fight leads to ignoring me. It makes me scared, and it makes me feel alone. It makes me do stupid things and it makes me hate myself, because I caused this. I wish he would just talk to me, yell at me, tell me what I did wrong and how I can make it better. Its giving me an anxiety attack which is making me want to talk to him more because I'm scared. I don't know what I'm scared of, but I feel this fear and I can't make it go away, I can't stand it, and it would really help to hear his voice, but he doesn't see that all he see's is the constant calling and texting. I don't know if he's mad at me or just upset in general and doesn't want to talk, but whatever it is I know it's gonna be hard to sleep until he answers, which he doesn't understand. Well thanks for reading, if the bi-polar person in your life calls and texts constantly do them the courtesy of letting them know why you don't want to talk to them, let them tell you how they feel.

back story

So I figure I should post my back story, you know how I came to inhabit this world, the exciting life of me. Well lets start with my mom's pregnancy. The not so wonderful beginning, well boy meets girl girl and boy, do drugs together, drugs lead to sex, sex leads to pregnancy, he offers money for abortion, she denies, both continue to do drugs, she gets denied drugs from dealers because she's pregnant, goes through withdrawls, month 9 of pregnancy water break, contractions, and baby is born. That's at least what I know about that part of life. Doctors do drug test, but find no drugs because mom was denied access to drugs during the last couple of months of pregnancy. So mom takes me home, where she continues to do drugs with my father, as well as she already has to young kids at home with her, my half sisters. Dad gets busted, for what I don't know, but he gets sent to jail. Mom tries (or so she says) to take care of me and my sisters. I was malnourished and dirty when I went to my grandma's house, so she called social services and they took me as well as my sisters away from my mother. My sisters got sent away (and did I mention they are only my half sisters otherwise they would have lived with me). First, to one of their dads, then to foster care. I got adopted by my grandparents. Since then I lived with them, my dad was in and out of jail and my mom was non-existent in my life. She had a couple more kids, 2 boys 2 girls, all for not living with her, and I have had a little contact with the girls, but not much. Life with my grandparents was okay, but it was always hard, all my friends had healthy young parents and I had older grandparents, as well as the kids with grandparents had grandparent stories, where I had none of that. From the time I moved into my grandparents house both of them were suffering from medical problems, that have just gotten worse with time. I do know I have it good though, my grandparents have always been there for me, even with my bi-polar outbursts and weird quirks. They work around all my problems and still love me, flaws and all. When I became a pre-teen I started to feel the affects of being a drug baby, bad lugs, bad muscles, as well as other medical problems that were just genetic. The medical problems messed with my depression alot, I couldn't stand being so broken. I hated the way I felt so needy, and I hated that I couldn't control my emotions. I hated myself and everything about me, I still struggle with that sometimes, but I try to accept myself as me. In jr. high I experimented with weed for a bit, but quit that due to my family history. I jumped from guy to guy, trying to find someone who could love me even though I couldn't love myself. But just recently I've learned to love myself, and that was when I was able to have a serious boyfriend, it ended eventually, because he had some issues and those mixed with my bi-polar didn't mix, but now I'm in a serious relationship with a guy who loves me flaws and all. He has a hard time dealing with me sometimes, but who wouldn't, my emotions can be like walking through a field with those little bombs that if you step on them they blow up, I forget what they're called, but you know what I mean right?
Well I guess that's where I'll end my background post, sorry if it was a little boring :P
Sincerely, Bi-polar girl
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first post

Hi, I'm 19 and suffer from bi-polar depression. That comes with alot of problems, first the mood problems, not being able to control mood swings and with that there is anger, and when I'm angry there's the word vomit, you know when you say things and don't think about it they just come out, usually with a bitter taste. This blog is for people with bi-polar disorder and people who know people with bi-polar disorder. This is where I spill my guts. I want people to see what it's like being bi-polar from the sufferer's point of view, you always hear the families point of view, but I want to change that. I want to speak up, show people my thought process, show people how I feel when I lash out. I'm tired of people saying "Oh it's just an excuse, you can control it," when the truth is, I can't. I can't control how I feel how, how I react or any of that stuff, and hell since I've always had bi-polar disorder i don't know maybe it's normal not being able to control your emotions, maybe it's just worse for me then "normal people," but I know one thing I'm so tired of people telling me I can control it. I've lived with this for 19 years and haven't found a way to control myself and I doubt I ever will, and the sooner people figure that out the easier it will be to deal with me. I might cuss a bit in this blog, but I will try to keep it at a minimum, I hope I can help people understand bi-polar disorder, and hopefully you find some interest in my posts. Some of this blog might just be me talking about my life happenings and how I feel, but I will try to make sure I at least put my thought process through certain situations so you get a basic idea what it's like to be me.
Sincerely, Bi-polar Girl
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