in sickness and in health...

So I spent the day with my grandparents, which was nice. But then I get a call, about 2 hours after I left. My grandpa fell got a bad cut on his leg and smashed his head pretty bad. They couldn't get the bleeding on his head to stop at first but finally did, they had to put stitches in and now theyr going in for a catscan. The catscan is to check his head because he is bleeding in his inner ear and they are worried that he may have some cancer in his head somewhere. Oh and did I mention his hand just happens to have a cancerous sore on it. He already has prostate cancer, he had some skin cancer but they got rid of it and now his skin cancer is back and he might have cancer in is head. I am really scared, but I have to keep it together for my grandma because on top of everything she doesn't need to be worrying about me. I don't want to lose either of them. I love them so much, and they are the only ones who despite our friction at times have always been there for me. I just can't lose them not yet.....

Babies

I look at pictures of babies and I think to myself, "you would make a great mother." I want a baby, every person in my family has had a child before the age of 20. I was the second one who made it to 18, but in 6 months I will be the first to make it to 20. But it's not what I want, I want a baby, but I don't think I can. I am not ready to raise a child, and I don't know if I will be ever. I just want a baby so bad, I wish I could just do it. I wish I could lose my conscience and just get off my birth control and have a baby, and lie to my family and say it had to have been the birth control not working. But I couldn't, I can't, I can't do that to my boyfriend and I couldn't do that to my child. I wish there was someway I could just skip through life, fast, so I could be financially and mentally ready for a kid. I don't want to wait. But what if I never have the chance to have a baby. What if I'm not able to have a little baby to raise and love...

"best friends forever"

Just sitting here thinking about when I was a kid and having friends. I remember saying "we'll be best friends forever. Now I think back to those days and I guess I see why we're not friends anymore. Theirs honestly only one friend I think I would still be friends with if she was around. She was my friend since birth, we were born a couple weeks apart and were inseparable ever since. But then her grandma died, and everything just kind of went down hill from there. We drifted apart and then she had to move and I thought we'd still hangout, except the only time she came to the old neighborhood she was hanging out with other people who didn't like me, and she wouldn't even tell me she was coming over or come say hi. I always thought I had done something wrong, that it was my fault that we aren't friends anymore, but I don't think that's the way it happened. I think in all honesty I just remind her of how things used to be, when things were better. I know spending time with her is hard for me because I remember Nana and I get sad, She was the grandmother I didn't have because my grandma was my mom, and then when she died I lost part of my family. I lost people that I thought would always consider me family, but now I know the only reason they were family was because of Nana and without Nana they're nothing to me. How do I let people into my life when everyone leaves....

drifting away

Sometimes I feel like I am drifting away from my friends, people I used to spend everyday with I barely even talk to. Now I am home alone while all my friends are out having fun. Part of it is because my friends that don't party all moved away and the rest of my friends don't want to hang out with me because I don't do drugs or drink. It's hard having friends because people my age don't want to hang out because they're either obsessed with school or want to party. I got invited to a party one that would have actually been pretty cool to be at with alot of my friends from highschool, but I got invited last minute and had no ride out there. I was just a last minute option. Not someone anybody wanted their badly enough to invite to invite when they invited everybody else. That makes me feel like less of a person...

lonely

sometimes, I feel so alone.. surrounded by people, but still completely alone. I know that's like something everyone says, in a room full of people, but completely alone, but that's how I feel. I feel like an outsider looking in, looking at what could be my life, but instead it's all screwed up because I am so insecure, I feel like everyone is watching me, expecting me to be perfect, and I can't. I can't live up to everyone's perfect standards of being better then my parents. I can't because I'm not them I can try not to make their mistakes, but that doesn't make me any better then them. I can say I am 19 years old not a drug addict and the first girl on my mom's side of the family to make it to 18 without a kid, but that doesn't make me better then any of them. My sister is 21 is a great loving mom of two beautiful sweet little boys, she has a job and cares for the boys better then anyone her age should have to. Sure she may have not made it to 18 without kids, but she is the sweetest most amazing mother. I don't really know my other sister or my aunt well enough to say I'm better then them. In reality the only person I can say I'm better then is my mom, and the only difference between me and her is I don't have kids and I don't do drugs, but I have no job, I have nothing to look forward to right now.  So how does not doing drugs or having kids make me better then her? How can I live up to the standards people expect me to live up to when I feel like I am alone in this world...

fathers

Whenever I get upset about my dad my bf always just tells me it doesn't matter you don't need him. But what do I do when it's my bf's dad that is upsetting me. The guy who is almost 50 was convicted of lewd acts with a 14 year old, and that's just her age when he got caught. They had the relationship for 2 years. The kid was 12 when they started "dating." In court interview he said he didn't see what the big problem was he never had sex with her. He would "eat her out" and touch her, but they never had sex, so how is that supposed to make him not a child molester. Well the problem is, my bf seems to think his dad did nothing wrong. I want to just ignore it because I know my bf would never do anything like that to a kid, but the fact that he thinks his dad did nothing wrong for the same reason that his dad thinks he didn't do anything wrong, it just sickens me. I want to tie his father up and watch him die for what he did, I want to neuter the bastard, I want to watch him bleed out. But he never had sex with the girl so the courts only gave him 2 years, and his family thinks he's still the great guy he is. I want to not worry about these things, but my baby sister is that age right now, and all I can think about is a man like him doing the same thing to my sister, and how the guy wouldn't make it to court if I found out he did something like that to my sister, and just because this girl isn't related to me or even someone I know, I still hate him for it. I regret the day I ever googled it, but I would rather know what he did then to ignore it like his family does. What do I do when the man I love is sticking up for a child molester.....