unknown medical issues and job loss

So I started a new job this month, unfortunately I also got this strange illness that I can't seem to shake, so of course because I missed work Tuesday to go to the ER they decided that my attendance wasn't high enough, because I missed on day, and they are terminating me. I didn't really like the job, honestly because all I did was sit in an office all day and do nothing, and I don't think I'm a sit in a quiet office kind of gal, but now I am jobless, and sick, and have no money. I keep trying to see the bright side of this, like i can now look for an opportunity that better suits my personality, but I feel like in this economy with my limited experience it's going to be way to hard to find a job and on top of it all I am still sick, my body feels weak all the time, and I don't know what I am going to do to get rid of it, and work was a really good distraction and I've lost that. I'm not even sure I want to even try anymore...

future talk

So today my boyfriend said something, that probably will stick in my head for awhile, and it has made me so happy, he told me that he was thinking about ways to propose to me, not now obviously because we're not ready, but when we are ready. But hearing that made me sooo happy. He's not the best at showing me how he feels, and I know he loves me, but I wasn't sure if he saw a future with me, because hell who would wanna spend the rest of their lives with psycho little me. I am mean, and un-trusting sometimes, but obviously there is something here that makes him want to spend the rest of his life with me. ME, hah I can't believe it, not those other girls out there, that are well not bi-polar for one, but they are outgoing and friendly and I'm sure I could keep going on with a million things that are better about them, but I don't have to because he wants me. No this isn't like I need a man to validate myself or whatever the heck people wanna say about it, but when things get real bad I feel like giving up, and one of the biggest reasons I haven't yet is him, not that there weren't times I came close to just giving up, had the pill bottle in my hands, and probably took a little to many, just not enough, because all I could think was I'd be hurting him. And I know I should want to stay alive for myself blah blah blah, and I do, sometimes, but there are moments where I need more then "life will get better just stay in the game" to get me through it, and he has been it the last couple of hard times I went through. It's nice knowing I have a future, one with a husband and hopefully a kid or two, and if we get our way we'll be rich and spoil our kids. I want my kid to have what I never did, not money and fancy stuff, although that is a plus, but two parents who love them and eachother, parents who can show them what true love is, so they know what to look for, I want my kids to have love in their life, to be surrounded by love and to be able to love....

stress of the home life

Everyone says, "don't give up, it gets better when you're older," but that's not happening, nothing is getting better. I feel like my grandparents expect me to be an adult, but want to treat me as a kid. Like today, I woke up with a fever and didn't go to work, then my granma got extremely upset when I went to my boyfriends house to do homework.  The homework I am doing I need his help to do, and it is due on Sunday, I didn't want to come over here today, because I didn't want to leave my warm comfy bed, but I had to get this work done, my mom acted like I made up being sick just to spend time with my boyfriend, but she is the one who told me maybe I should stay home from work and rest. She makes me like I am still 16 with no control over my life, and I don't like having no control, I understand I'm living under her roof, but I am still 19 I still need to have a life and make my own mistakes, it is so hard being in a house where I feel suppressed, I can't do anything people my age do, I can't go to parties, I can't go hang with friends, and I can't make mistakes. It makes me hate them, and I don't like hating anyone. I feel like there is no point in trying, because even when I try I make people angry. Why try when nothing makes anything different....

paranoia

So I have these really bad fits of paranoia, and my boyfriend doesn't help them very much especially not today. When ever anything bad happens I always go to the worst possible solution, and when my boyfriend doesn't text me back for over two hours my first thought is he must be dead. I tried calling him calling his mom, and nothing, so of course I start having a panic attack and freaking out and when I finally do get a hold of him he calls me crazy, which is something I have a hard time dealing with, so of course I cut myself. I try not to do that, but sometimes I just can't help it. Seeing the cuts on my wrist hurts though, I feel this pain in my chest, I can't stand them. And people always tell me well if you feel that way then stop, but I can't, it's not that easy, it's always been my stress relief, and tonight I don't know how to explain it really, but I didn't do it, my emotions did. I didn't even feel the blade against my skin, I honestly didn't know I had cut myself until I looked down and saw the blood. I can't stop if I can't even control it happening....

jelousy

So, I struggle with jealousy. Alot. I try not to be jealous because in my heart I know I have no reason to be, but with my trust issues and everything I am jealous, extremely jealous. I hate that I am, I just can't help it. It's not just I'm jealous of my boyfriend hanging out with females though, it's anyone really, I get jealous when he's with anyone that isn't me, and I hate it. I hate hating people I don't know just because he talks to them, but it's there, no matter what I want to feel, or how I try to stop feeling it, I feel it. I feel jealousy to the point that I hate complete strangers. Like this girl he used to go to church with, he doesn't hang out with her or anything they just talk on facebook, but does that stop me from being jealous no, I hate her, I want to cuss her out, punch her, slap her, anything. I just want her away from my man, because I guess, I just don't want to share him. I don't want him to decide he likes her better then me, I don't want to be left. And yes I know it all stems down to abandonment issues from my birthparents, and I really should work on it before I push him away, but I don't know how, I've tried therapy, it doesn't help. I have no clue how to get over the abandonment issues, and it's not like I want them around. I push away everyone I love because I am so afraid of losing them. It's hard being me sometimes.....

being forgotten..

So today I was supposed to go to my boyfriends house. Lately I've been a little unstable, between being kicked out of my dad's house, having my uncle call me a liar and some small stuff with my boyfriend, I have really been struggling with my abandonment issues. So I walk all the way up to my boyfriends house, happy to spend a day with him and get away from the pain of my life, and he's not here, in fact no is. He left. His mom and him had to go to the welfare office and he had to go with, but he forgot I was coming over so he didn't tell me. So now I am stuck sitting in the library across the street from his house, tears in my eyes and not enough bus money to get home and then get to school and back home from school again. It hurts. I already feel neglected in my life and now the one person who is there for me when no one else is forgot about me. I have such a hard time fighting my abandonment issues and then people go and abandon me and make it worse. I can't trust anyone not to leave me or forget about me. I feel like I'm so easily forgotten, and I don't know how to explain to my boyfriend how it makes me feel. He thinks saying sorry should fix it all, but it doesn't. Sorry doesn't take away the pain or the feeling of abandonment and nothing fixes how I feel right now. I just wish I could make it go away..