paranoia

So I have these really bad fits of paranoia, and my boyfriend doesn't help them very much especially not today. When ever anything bad happens I always go to the worst possible solution, and when my boyfriend doesn't text me back for over two hours my first thought is he must be dead. I tried calling him calling his mom, and nothing, so of course I start having a panic attack and freaking out and when I finally do get a hold of him he calls me crazy, which is something I have a hard time dealing with, so of course I cut myself. I try not to do that, but sometimes I just can't help it. Seeing the cuts on my wrist hurts though, I feel this pain in my chest, I can't stand them. And people always tell me well if you feel that way then stop, but I can't, it's not that easy, it's always been my stress relief, and tonight I don't know how to explain it really, but I didn't do it, my emotions did. I didn't even feel the blade against my skin, I honestly didn't know I had cut myself until I looked down and saw the blood. I can't stop if I can't even control it happening....