i like going places too...

So my entire life I have been invited everywhere my sister goes to hang out and watch her step-daughter, but now all of a sudden I am not good enough to go with her. She made a new friend and so now I'm never invited to parties, the movies, or even just outings. I feel like I was being used all this time. I am so lonely, my only friend is 12, my family doesn't want me around and my boyfriend never really wants to go anywhere. How am I supposed to get better when I'm alone....

church

I was raised in a christian family and in my lifetime I have been mentally, emotionally and physically beaten by churches. I have never been in a church where the adults don't automaticaly judge me. I believe in God, or at least I want to, but how can I trust and believe in something that's not there for me? I've never felt welcome in a church which really does not help how I feel about churches, and I really just want to know there is something out there bigger then me...

Friends

So my two best friends are both younger then me, one is 12 the other 16. I love these to kids as if they were my sisters, which is why when the 16 year old starts making the exact same mistakes I did I get scared. The choices I made when I was that age led me down a very bad path, and I warn her, but of course being 16 and naive she says its different. I don't see the difference between us, but she does. I am so afraid of her getting hurt and I just don't know what to do. I know I have to let her make mistakes and grow from them, but she is naive. She doesn't understand the world because she has been sheltered from it her whole life and now because of a divorce she is being thrown into reality with anyone to guide her. How do I tell her that she needs to be careful.....

new meds

So I just started some new meds. They are amazing, except for I am used to sleeping all day, so now I have nothing to do with myself. I finished everything I needed to do for the day by 10 and now I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like playing any video games. I just am so bored! I am so happy that I'm not depressed any more but come on, I'm soooo bored I'm thinking about sleeping again...

tantrums

Its really annoying when bf's mom walks in nd starts one of her tantrums. Nothing is ever good enough for her. She gets mad that she always has to ask him to do the dishes, when he does it without her asking him he "doesnt do enough." Today she walks in to ask if she can borrow my overpriced special blend cat food, I think about it for a sec because I really wanna say no because neither me nor my bf are getting any income yet, but I say yes because her kittys are hungry, but instead of straight up saying yea, I said sure I guess. Now she's throwing a temper tantrum because I didn't say yes of course take all my money and cat food. I swear nothing I do makes anyone happy especially not her. I am trying so hard to be different and I can't I'm still not good enough, I get mad easy and I have trust issues. But no one ever worries about how I feel. No one asks if I'm handling everything in my life well. They just don't care. I always ask people things like that, but can I get some in return, no. I feel almost invisible until someone wants something. Then all of a sudden I'm their best friend and I'm really juss tired of it. How do I stand out in a world were everyone is just a robot...

sometimes

Sometimes I just want to give up. I wanna curl into a lil ball and fade away. Lately I have been putting job application after job application in, and between losing jobs and not getting hired I juss want to give up. I sit here feeling broken and confused. Why aren't I good enough to work for you. On top of that I never fully lost the weight I gained. Its disappointing.  How do I fix myself so people like me....

one more thing

Things just keep piling up in my life one after the other. Today I found out after spending all my money, that my preggo kit had a miscarriage. Every one was so excited to have baby kittys but hers didn't make it. One top of everything going on I thought new kittens would be perfect to lift my mood, but guess thats not gonna happen. Now all I want to do is curl into a ball and die....

fear

I'm on new meds and they're really starting to make me feel better. But I'm afraid of what might happen when I'm ready to have a kid? Will I have to get off my meds? Will I be able to get off my meds? If I can't will the meds hurt my baby? I don't want to get off my meds and hurt someone or myself, but I don't want to stay on my meds if they are going to hurt my baby. What do I do....

Life is not on my side

My first job was a seasonal position last year so I had to leave. Then I worked in an office, but they let me go. Then I worked at a tshirt wharehouse but they couldn't afford me. Tuesday I got hired as a nanny, wednesday she told me she changed her mind. I want to give up. I want to juss drift away. Why is it so hard to be an adult in this world. What am I doing wrong? How do I fix it....

shit happens.

My aunt has became very unreliable in the past few months, and just recently has begun to burn bridges that can't be repaired. She owes my father almost $1,000 and he wanted to setup a payment plan were she gives him as much as she can a month, but she won't. She say's she has "no money". She owes my grandma a little over $300, and when grandma asks her to help out with at least buying groceries she says "no money". So everyone lets her slide, until all of a sudden they realize she's lying, she took her new "best friend" and her friends daughter as well as her own daughter out to the movies today. Told grandma that her friend was paying for the movie, only problem is when you're going to lie like that you should let the other person in on the lie so they don't unintentionally rat you out on facebook. Yea, her friend posted on her facebook, "Thank you so much for taking us to the movie *insert name here*, you are such a blessing to me and *daughters name*." So of course now grandma knows she was lying. She lies about other things now, and so nobody wants to trust her anymore. I of course end up being moms kind of therapist, she tells me everything, so I get to sit back and watch as shit hits the fan, meanwhile no one else knows how messed up my aunt is and is still handing her money thinking she'll pay it back. Luckily I have been forewarned, and the very little bit of money I have is going nowhere near here. I will not be sucked into her web. I am staying as far away from her as possible. Plus the fact she stole from me already. Nothing big, just a controller to my wii. I just don't understand why she would do that to me. But I have been through 19 years of life and if I have not learned one thing, at least I know NEVER trust anybody, no matter what. The only ones you can trusts are your pets. What to do in a world where there is no one to watch your back.....

to good to be true

Just when it seems things are going good, everything crashes down. Me and my bf were getting information about getting an apartment. He had a great job. I have a job interview on Monday. Everything was going good. Until, today. The boss at my bf's job called him over and laid him off. His excuse he lacks proper motivation. Yet everytime my bf went in and talked to him he asked how he was doing and mr. boss man said your doing great! So of course we thought that's great we can afford an apartment and finally move out of this hell hole. But no, everything has to go to crap. I feel like there's no point to continue living. I feel like gravity is pushing me into the earth, dragging my lifeless corpse down. Farther and farther until there's nothing left. I was so excited about this new apartment, and me getting a job. Now I just don't see the point in trying. Why keep trying when I continue to get let down....

insecure

So I'm verryy insecure, and when I was younger it was even worse then it is now. Even though I'm not extremely insecure I still am pretty insecure. So what brings this all into my head at 3 o'clock in the morning is a boy. But isn't it always a boy. Anyway, there was this guy a while back when I was in highschool, he was the jock, the guy I would never have a chance with, great body, popular and of all things a football player. I hated the guy though, he was such a jerk, but of course he adds me on facebook and flirts with me, and even though I hated him before that moment I being the naive insecure little girl I was believed he's different, he just acts like that with his friends. He really likes me, ect ect ect. Now looking back, there was absolutley no chance me and him would ever go farther then him taking advantage of me. Being the insecure needy girl I was I didn't see that he was using me. That's all it ever was, I wanted a boyfriend, but he said he wasn't interested, so I believed him, and then he found a girl who wasn't me and dropped my ass like a sack of potatoes. I realized it wasn't that he had no interest in a relationship, he just wasn't interested in a relationship with me. Even now that hurts. I hate that it hurts me because other then his looks I never had any interest in him so I couldn't understand why it hurt. Looking back it's not that I liked him, but I liked the idea of someone like him, liking a messed up little girl like me. The thought that maybe I could have a family, tthe white picket fence and all that, but that would have never happened with him. We just weren't compatible. But he didn't want me, and that hurt my ego, because what is it about me. Why aren't I good enough for guys like that? I don't like that I care, because even now he's nothing but a Casanova. He thinks he's God's gift to earth. After his relationship ended he all of a sudden wanted me back, and of course the first time I went running back to him, but then he did it again, and when that happened I was with the guy I am with now, and we weren't serious so I was tempted, because well this jerk is a bit better looking then my man, and although I love my man with all my heart, jerk has just one of those bodies *drool*. But I didn't. I didn't go running into the arms of a guy who I knew would never respect me. Instead I stayed with my man, the man who loves me and respects me and treats me great. But Jerkface didn't want to take no for an answer. So I had to hurt his pretty little ego a bit. He kept bugging me for sex, and I was hanging out with my dad on my birthday and I told him that and he told me to ditch my dad for a quickie, so I agreed. What jerk didn't know was that my dad was waiting there to meet him and tell him that no means no, and I have a boyfriend. My dad loved cracking this guys ego, and I have to say it had to be the best damn birthday present my dad ever gave me. So now I try to work on my insecurity, but of course I still have that scared insecure little girl whispering in my ear telling me I'm not good enough. I try though. I try not to be insecure. I want to strong and secure, but it's so hard...