babies...

So I know I'm to young for a baby, and babies don't make life easier, and every other reason people say teenagers shouldn't get pregnant, but sometimes I just want one. I want some to take care of, a reason to wake up in the morning, a little tiny baby who's life and every need depends on me being around. I know that's not a good reason to have a baby, although come to think of it what is a good reason to have a baby? I want everything about a baby, the crying, the sickies, the cuteness. I don't just want a happy little baby to take care of, that never cries or has emotions, if I wanted that I'd get a dog, I want all the ups and downs of parenthood. I want someone who loves me on minute and hates me the next, who needs me to teach them and help them grow up. But how am I ever going to be able to take care of a baby without money? With everything wrong with me? I don't know if I could even physically be able to get through a pregnancy let alone take care of a child. How am I supposed to be the only thing I have ever wanted to be, when I can't even take care of myself......

wrecking ball

being alone with my thoughts is never a good thing... I just can't help, but to feel like a wrecking ball. Everything I touch I destroy, it's just a matter of time before I destroy my boyfriends relationship with his family. I feel this way just because of what I do when I'm around people. I don't know how I do it, but I ruin peoples lives. My grandparents are always fighting because of me.Then there's the fact that my birth and conception destroyed my dads relationship with his first wife, and kids. Now there's my dad and his gf, they never had big fights until I moved in, then I almost destroyed their relationship, then when I leave they fix everything and go back to how they were before. Then my grandparents and my uncle got in a fight and when I finally move out of their place the relationship mends itself. I want to believe I am not the reason for any of this, but it just feels like my existence on this planet has caused tension in the lives of everyone I've been around. I even caused the relationship of my best friends parents to go to hell. I caused a tear in their perfect relationship by choosing to do stupid things and their son trying to rape me, had I never gone anywhere near him that night then they wouldn't be fighting over the fact that she thinks I'm lying and he doesn't. I destroy everything I touch, and I don't know how to stop it. I try being quiet and not telling people how I feel, I try being shy and little and yet I still end up destroying everything. How can I trust anyone when I can't even trust myself...

feeling like I'm losing it...

I had this dream, it felt so, real, I was tied up, gagged and raped. It felt so real, I woke up and could still feel the pain of the ropes on my wrist and the feeling of being penetrated. It felt to real, and now I feel violated, and I keep telling myself it was just a dream, just a dream, but dreams don't feel like this. When my boyfriend got home from work I told him about it, and he juss keeps telling me, its okay it was a dream, quit thinking about it. I text my friend hoping she would understand, but of course she just laughed and told me I obviously wanted it or I wouldn't have dreamed about it. My head feels like its going to explode I don't understand why I feel so violated. How can a dream feel so intensely real? Why does it still feel like something was down there? How can I sleep when I'm afraid of my own dreams....

hopefully this goes okay

Well, I am officially moved in with my boyfriend, and soo far it has been going good, but who knows. We are both looking for jobs so we can move, again, out of his moms house. So moving day was hell, I never got on and wrote about it because I was busy, but it was hell. The grandparents were all fine and happy until my grandma's debit card went missing and she decided I stole it. I told her I'd walk over to the store and see if I had left it there, but I was sure I had given it back to her, but while I walked over my bf and my friend were gonna grab my stuff that was already packed and right there to my friends a]car, they said sure, as I walk out the door, the grandpa starts yelling at my bf to get the fuck out of his house. So then my friend and bf walked with me to the store, we get back to start moving and neither my bf or friend want to go in my house, so now I'm stuck taking all my stuff from my room to outside by myself, so my grandpa sits there saying that my bf is a fucking lazy jerk who won't even get off his lazy ass to help me. So now my grandpa hates my boyfriend because my grandpa kicked my bf out and my bf listened, ugh wtf is wrong with these people. So now my relationship with my grandpa is hell all because I'm trying to do what's best for me. How am i supposed to do anything right when everything I do is wrong.....

moving again...

It was a hard decision to make, and honestly I hadn't really made up my mind, I just jumped into it because I knew I was going to chicken out. I am moving in with my boyfriend. Not because we are ready, because hell we're not, we're gonna be living with his mom. But because everytime I have a conversation with my mom it turns into I'm not good enough, and since I moved back in I have considered suicide way to often, and moving in with my boyfriend might not help that, but I'm done, I'm tired of feeling depressed, and if this doesn't work then I will have to figure out another way, but I'm going to try, because hell who knows this might be the best thing for me. Never know until you try, but ever since I started to become somewhat of a grown-up, (not using adult for obvious reasons) living with the grandparents has made me feel depressed, I didn't realize it was them until I moved out, and things seemed so much better. I have always been so afraid of disappointing them that I don't have time to worry about what makes me happy, and in all honesty I want to make me happy, I am tired of making everyone else happy. I lived with my boyfriend for a while and we were good we got along, we worked well together, but then my dad and his girlfriend bought a house and I thought that was the key to a normal life, at least for a while. But now I'm am back here in the same old house, doing the same old thing, feeling the same old way, but now I feel like I have disappointed my grandparents, which is always hard for me. How am I supposed to feel happy when happy feels wrong?

being told that im a burden.

I've always felt like I was a burden on everyones life, but everyone has always told me that I'm not, until today. When I moved in it was because I had no place else to go now I'm being told it's because they wanted someone to help. I have been, I go shopping for them, I do anything they ask me to do, but because my dad's chore is laundry, because thats the only thing he can physically do, I am making his life harder. I have said countless times I will do my own laundry, but no they alwasy tell me they'll do it. I try to leave my clothes in my room so I can do them myself and when I'm at school they come in and put them in their laundry then yell at me for leaving them in my room. Nothing I do around here is good enough, and I don't know if it's my fault or if its just them. I'm starting to feel like I'm a failure as a daughter. How can I do anything to help myself when I can't even help my family, what's the point of even trying....

remembering why I moved out

So around January of last year I had enough of living with my grandparents, so I moved in with my dad, but his apartment was to small so I moved in with my boyfriend and his mom until I could move back in with my dad, when he bought his house. Living with my boyfriends mom was okay, except when she found it necessary to demean him, tell him he was fat and lazy when he did everything around the house that she was to lazy to do. So I was happy to move out of there, then I moved in with my dad which was okay aside from his girlfriend. They gave me a list of chores, that when I was not at work I did. When they wrote the list of chores for me they said do these once a week, then that shortened to twice a week, and that shortened to once a day, which between work and school and not feeling well I never had the time to have a personal life, which meant no friends, no boyfriend and no time to go visit my little cousin, who I can't imagine not seeing at least every other week. But it was what it was, I tried, I tried to do the chores as often as I could, but it was ridiculous cleaning the bathroom everyday, so the dads girlfriend got mad and I ended up getting kicked out, but of course he's decided he wants me back, only if I apologize of course. But that's not what this blog is about, The whole point is way back in January I had moved out of my grandparents, and the reason was, they had asked me to go help there friend out with his computer, and I did, then when I came back they had decided that they had wanted me to make them dinner, but I had taken to long at their friends house. So it started a big fight in which they continuously told me I never did anything around the house, which I did, and do now, I go to the store whenever they need me to, I help with the other chores when they ask, as well as I do my small list of chores. But do they ever remember that? No of course not they always tell me how I do nothing to help out and it makes me feel used, and not good enough. I try so hard to make them happy, because that's just how I was raised, I was raised to try and make them happy, and that's what I try to do, even though I don't want to, when I'm not thinking about it I am trying to make them happy. I just can't help it, my life as always been about making them happy because I have always been afraid if I don't make them happy they will leave me. Because that's how it goes in my life, if I don't keep people happy they leave me. I hate feeling like no matter what I do I'm not good enough, not good enough to keep my parents in my life, not good enough to keep my sisters in my life, not good enough to keep friends in my life, just not good enough. How am I supposed to keep going when I constantly feel like I'm not good enough...