new years and such

Well christmas has passed and we're coming upon new years. I never really was into the whole new years resolution deal, don't really understand it, like why are you making a resolution just because its new years? If you want to lose weight then do it, don't sit there and say oooh it's a new year I have to lose weight and then never do it. I guess though if I were to make a new years resolution it would be to get a job, so I can move out of this house. I don't really like living with my dad, not because me and him don't get along, but because me and his girlfriend don't get along, but that's a story for a different post. So back to resolutions, I guess I want a car, and then I just signed up for some college classes so for sure I want to be able to do well in that, and I don't know what else I'd want, and really these aren't new year resolutions they're more of life goals. I want some place to belong and I want to do something worth doing. Everything I mentioned up there will help with both those things. Hopefully I will be successful in those, but hey you never know until you try and I still have a couple more months before I can start school, and I haven't put applications in yet for a job, because my seasonal job just barely ended. Well I guess that's all I have to say this year, see ya next year ;)

where do i belong

So I have a crazy family, my mom has 6 kids other then me, and my dad has 2 other kids. All my moms kids have different dads, every single one, and my youngest sisters dad spoils here rotten, while me and my other sisters are stuck strewn across the country. My older sisters were in foster care until they turned 18 and me and my younger sister got adopted by grandparents, she's with moms family and I'm with my dads family, so for all of us to have a relationship is kind of hard. Luckily for my youngest sister she is spoiled rotten, and she gets whatever she wants, so when she asked for season passes to six flags her dad of course said yes, and so he go one for me and my two younger sisters and said he would pick me and my sister up every time they went, which was soooo exciting I was so happy I was gonna be able to spend time with my sisters, have an actual relationship with them. He picked me up twice and that was it. I haven't seen either of my sisters since, not because he doesn't still take them, but because he just doesn't want to take me.. He still picks up my other sister he just doesn't come get me or even see if I could get a ride to his place and go with them. I never know until after they go, when my sisters post facebook pictures of them at sixflags, and it makes me feel like I don't belong. I don't belong with my sisters and now I don't belong with my dad either. I say that I don't belong with my dad either, because him and his girlfriend went on a family vacation, and I wasn't invited or given any money to feed myself or their dogs that I got stuck babysitting. It made me feel like I wasn't part of their family, and then my dad always tell me that no matter what happens even if his girlfriend is wrong he'll take her side, which makes me feel like crap. I don't know what to do, until I have money I can't afford an apartment, but I hate living here, I feel like I don't belong anywhere right now...

boyfriends

so my boyfriend doesn't know about this blog. not because i don't trust him or I want to bad mouth him or anything, but because I don't really want him to know some of the stuff I want to put in here. Like right now, there's this girl his "best friend", but they don't spend time together or talk to eachother, except when me and him have a problem.. which me being the paranoid psycho bitch gf I am, instead of thinking he just needs a friend, i feel like he's trying to replace me. and I just want to go psycho on her and beat her to a bloody pulp for interacting with my bf. I feel that way about any girl really, it's not that I don't trust him, because I do, I know he would never do anything, but it's just, I don't want girls to flirt with him, or even talk to him, even if I'm right there. I don't mind guys, but girls... I don't know I just don't want to share with them, he's mine and you can't enjoy him, as a friend or anything. Then this girl "best friend" comes along like la-di-da and I don't know her which makes me more possessive, but I can't really do anything I can't tell him who he can and can't be friends with, but if said person was not around then hey I sure as hell wouldn't mind. I don't know that might just be a girl thing it might be a bi-polar thing, but either way, bitch stay awayy from my man!

terrible world

With everything going on right now I thought I could come on here and put my 2 sense in, or at least tell you how I feel. Being bi-polar I am extremley paranoid, my boyfriend goes to this little hangout with his friends at least once a week, and sometimes they stay late, he might come home between 1 or 2, and sometimes I stay up just to make sure he gets home ok, but tonight I have to sleep soon because I have to get up for work tomorrow. Knowing this I'm terrified of what might happen to him, either an accident because someone is to tired or drunk to be driving, or even someone killing him because he just happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I already know from experience that tonight I'm going to have nightmares, because that's what happens when I don't know that he got home. I only am able to sleep because of my medications, otherwise I'm sure I couldn't sleep. But the nightmares are terrible, I dream of different things that could happen to him, and I'm sure tonight they'll be worse. With the shooting at the school, and now even the shooting that happened today. The worst part is tomorrow, we both have to work, and going to work tomorrow morning is hard enough as it is because I'm not a morning person, but then I have to go to work, knowing that my boyfriend will be at work, and I won't know he's okay until after I'm off. I have no real fear of dieing, I don't want to die, but I'm not afraid to die, maybe if I'm staring death in the face I could say I'm afraid, but right now I honestly believe I would be fine with it, but what I couldn't do is live if he died. I'm not saying I can't live without him, because I could, if we broke up and I had to live without him, because in that case we could still be friends, once we healed of course. But if he died, I couldn't stand it. It would break my heart losing the one I love, as well as my bestfriend. I have so much going on in my life and I know no matter what he will always be there for me, but he can't be there if he died. So of course my paranoia is worse tonight, keeping me wide awake, and I just wish I could sleep knowing that he will be ok, knowing that tomorrow morning I will wake up and he will still be right there...

living with dad

So just a couple months ago I moved in with my dad, which may be all fun and dandy if it wasn't for his girlfriend, mostly we get along, but she is semi OCD, and wants me to keep up with her perfect standards, and I try I really do, but with all my physical disadvantages it's hard. She wants the bathroom to be spotless and on top of being a germaphobe I also can't physically put to much power into it otherwise I end up over using my body and that's it for me for the day, 15 minutes cleaning the bathroom and I can't do anything else. So we constantly have moments where we butt heads, and it's hard because personally, I don't think we should be having problems, I do everything she asks, and I do it to the best of my physical ability, and yet I'm still not good enough for her, and my dad has already told me if me and her have a dispute, it doesn't matter if she's right or wrong he will be on her side, which is hard, because I'm his daughter and he's already chosen someone else over me, himself, and now he's gonna chose her over me as well. I guess as a girl I'm supposed to look up to my daddy, for protection, guidance and everything else daddies are supposed to do, but I can't and then I don't even have a mom to look towards for help. What am I supposed to do when the 2 people in my life that are supposed to protect me and teach me aren't there to do it. Sure I can always move back in with my grandparents, and sure that was better for me in some ways, but at the same time it was just as hard, I had to be there for every medical scare, and see my grandmom's fear and pain, and have no way of helping, there's nothing I can do and it's hard, when the people who have taken care of me for my whole life can't anymore. I can see my grandpa slowly losing grip on his mind, barely able to grasp the easiest of concepts that used to be easy for him, and grandmom watching the man she loves wilt away, and all I can do is watch and hope they will still be around next week to take care of me. I guess I thought moving in with my dad my help with the stress, but I didn't expect for my dad to be just as stressful, sure it's in a different way, but it's just as bad. Living with the grandparents I wasn't sure if next week they would be around to keep the place I was staying and with my dad I don't know if his girlfriend will still let me live here next week. What do I do when I feel like there is no place for me to go...