terrible world

With everything going on right now I thought I could come on here and put my 2 sense in, or at least tell you how I feel. Being bi-polar I am extremley paranoid, my boyfriend goes to this little hangout with his friends at least once a week, and sometimes they stay late, he might come home between 1 or 2, and sometimes I stay up just to make sure he gets home ok, but tonight I have to sleep soon because I have to get up for work tomorrow. Knowing this I'm terrified of what might happen to him, either an accident because someone is to tired or drunk to be driving, or even someone killing him because he just happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I already know from experience that tonight I'm going to have nightmares, because that's what happens when I don't know that he got home. I only am able to sleep because of my medications, otherwise I'm sure I couldn't sleep. But the nightmares are terrible, I dream of different things that could happen to him, and I'm sure tonight they'll be worse. With the shooting at the school, and now even the shooting that happened today. The worst part is tomorrow, we both have to work, and going to work tomorrow morning is hard enough as it is because I'm not a morning person, but then I have to go to work, knowing that my boyfriend will be at work, and I won't know he's okay until after I'm off. I have no real fear of dieing, I don't want to die, but I'm not afraid to die, maybe if I'm staring death in the face I could say I'm afraid, but right now I honestly believe I would be fine with it, but what I couldn't do is live if he died. I'm not saying I can't live without him, because I could, if we broke up and I had to live without him, because in that case we could still be friends, once we healed of course. But if he died, I couldn't stand it. It would break my heart losing the one I love, as well as my bestfriend. I have so much going on in my life and I know no matter what he will always be there for me, but he can't be there if he died. So of course my paranoia is worse tonight, keeping me wide awake, and I just wish I could sleep knowing that he will be ok, knowing that tomorrow morning I will wake up and he will still be right there...