babies?

I am really struggling with the feeling of wanting to be pregnant. I don't know how I would care for a baby, but I want one. Part of me says fuck go for it, but the rest of me says wait. But I don't want to wait! I am tired of waiting. I want a baby. I want a little mini-me or mini-bf. I want the dirty diapers, the crying, the love. I don't want to be loved, but I want to love. I want to hold the child in my arms and feel the love in my heart. My heart would beat for this young human. But my wallet is empty. I can't afford to take care of myself let alone a baby. I can't put a child through the experience of being poor. I want my child to have what they need, when they need it, not the next time I get paid. But I don't want to wait, I want a child, I want one now. How do I get rid of this feeling when it is me...

doing my own thing.

Finally got a job teaching, or well kinda babysitting, I work at a daycare. It's so much fun and I absolutely love it. I hope its permanent, and hopefully the boyfriend gets a job soon so we can finally move out. Things here are hard. I go from work, to school and back here where I'm expected to work some more. Its not that I don't like helping out its just, why are me and my boyfriend the only ones expected to do so? I am happy though that I have my job. Even if it makes school a little harder and me a little more tired, but I am not happy to come here after. I want to have a home, not a bedroom in a house with a woman who doesn't appreciate all my boyfriend does for her. He did some dishes this morning without being asked and instead of thanking him she gets mad that he didn't just do all her dishes. Why does he have to do her dishes when she won't. It's always the same fight over and over again. You don't do enough to help, you are lazy, you make my life harder. I hate hearing it. Thats why I don't like it here. I hate being told I don't do enough. I hate hearing my boyfriend verbally abused. I hate it here. I just don't have anywhere else to go. I can't move in with my dad, my grandparents can't take me in, my sister is about to lose her place, and so this is it the only place I can go without getting my own place. I just want a home to call my own. I feel like the only place I've ever been able to call home is with my grandparents, but I can't go back there and I don't want a home without my boyfriend. How do I find a home when I have no way to get there...

rules...

Just got told we have til the 15th to find our own place. Why, because she implemented a new do your own dishes rule, but now she is mad that even though we are doing our own dishes, but she expects us now to do her dishes as well. How is it fair that I have to wash dishes to make my food wash them again when I am done and then wash all of her dishes as well. I hate doing dishes, I pay rent every month as well as having to let her borrow our money because she needs more in order to go out and buy whatever the fuck she wants. I am sorry, but how is it my responsibility to clean her house. Why should I have to take care of her and her kids because she is to sick do it. Where am I supposed to go in 5 days. Why is it everywhere I go I end up being kicked out for not being a maid. I keep my room clean, I pay the rent she agreed to and yet I'm still expected to be a nanny to her children and a maid to her. Why do I even try...

boredom and depression

10:45- I love my new meds, they give me motivation to do things, only problem is, if I have nothing to do I get depressed. I don't like being depressed. I just want to curl into a ball and be counter-productive. I don't want to even try and do anything on the computer because it just reminds me how plain and boring my life is. I want my boyfriend to spend some time with me, but all he wants to do is play video games. I feel like I am invisible to him, I feel like there is nothing for me to do and my life is pointless.
12:43- I saved this draft and now I am going to talk about what the above feelings led to. I became extremely depressed which made me angry. Angry at my boyfriend, angry at myself and angry at the world. I don't know why, but I got into this abusive mood where all I wanted to do was hurt the bf. I can't handle remembering the thoughts that came into my head tonight. I didn't do anything to physically hurt him, but that doesn't mean I didn't hurt him. What happens next time though? What if I do hurt him. What if I can't handle myself and I hurt him. I hate feeling this way, I hate knowing I might of hurt the person I love most on this planet, I hate being me. I want to change. I want to be different then who I am. I want to be better...