boredom and depression

10:45- I love my new meds, they give me motivation to do things, only problem is, if I have nothing to do I get depressed. I don't like being depressed. I just want to curl into a ball and be counter-productive. I don't want to even try and do anything on the computer because it just reminds me how plain and boring my life is. I want my boyfriend to spend some time with me, but all he wants to do is play video games. I feel like I am invisible to him, I feel like there is nothing for me to do and my life is pointless.
12:43- I saved this draft and now I am going to talk about what the above feelings led to. I became extremely depressed which made me angry. Angry at my boyfriend, angry at myself and angry at the world. I don't know why, but I got into this abusive mood where all I wanted to do was hurt the bf. I can't handle remembering the thoughts that came into my head tonight. I didn't do anything to physically hurt him, but that doesn't mean I didn't hurt him. What happens next time though? What if I do hurt him. What if I can't handle myself and I hurt him. I hate feeling this way, I hate knowing I might of hurt the person I love most on this planet, I hate being me. I want to change. I want to be different then who I am. I want to be better...