that feeling I cannot shake...

I feel as if people see me as a foolish little girl for moving in with my boyfriend. My father treats me as if I am a little girl who doesn't understand what she's doing. What I wish I could tell people, but I don't want to hurt anyones feelings, is that my family pushed me to this. My uncle who has always been there for me my whole life wouldn't talk to his parents because I was living there, my father kicked me out because his girlfriend didn't like me and my grandparents are sick and expected me to become their live in nurse. It's not like I don't love my grandparents, I do, but I have my own problems and every night when I was living with them I went in my room curled into bed and thought about how much I wanted to kill myself. People say I was selfish for moving out of their house, that I should be there helping them, but isn't wanting myself dead and not finding help for it selfish. Wouldn't giving into the desperation and depression be selfish? Instead I took myself away from it. I had no where to go, but with either my boyfriend or my drug addict of a mother. What else was I supposed to do, sit in my grandparents house, depressed and contemplating suicide or move out? Which would have been more selfish, ending my life, making my family bury my body and hope that they didn't blame themselves, or moving out, helping myself get better so that I can be there for them. I don't know how I am supposed to explain that to my family without them thinking I am blaming them, but thats how i feel. I didn't choose to feel the way I do....