sigh

My life is a mess, and I am busy taking care of my homeless pregnant friend. I still have no control over my mouth and I end u with problems with my bf, instead of spending time alone with him to fix it, I have my best friend laying next to me in my bed asleep. I can barely handle my own problems right now, I can barely handle the stress of my life, but now I have someone else I worry about. Even if I ask her to leave I will be stressed out because I will feel like I have abandoned her. How do I fix my life when  I am under all this stress....

death

I feel like killing myself. Bf and his mom are fighting. Screaming fight. I am stuck in the awkward position of wanting to hide away and never come back. I want to curl into a little ball in the closet and die. I don't want to be here. I am tired of it all.

jelousy

Soo my boyfriend juss added some chick on facebook, and of course I have no reason to be jealous, buuuut does that matter no. I still am jealous, over a person on facebook. I tell myself not to be, but of course that doesn't work. Something inside of my brain just switches on and bam I'm jealous. I want it to go away. I don't want to be a snoop and check his messages, but then at the same time I do want to. I want to know what this chick is saying to my man, or why this chick is interested in talking to my man, he's mine, not hers. I know thats all really bad and kind of possessive, but its how I feel. I don't want to feel like this, but I do.....

feeling unsafe

Parents are supposed to use discernment and only bring people into their children's lives that will keep them safe, but tonight my bf's mom did the opposite. Well technically she brought this stranger into our lives a couple days ago when she brought a strange man home from home depot. She brought this man to the home where her kids live, she gave him her number, and now he is stalking her. I feel so insecure right now. I feel like mine and the lives of my family (yes i consider my bf's family my own) are in danger. This man is terrifying and won't leave her alone, and I worry what happens tomorrow when he is still here waiting for the kids to walk to school. What happens tomorrow when I leave for school and he is lonely and decides I will have to do. These are the thoughts that run through my head when I think of this man being outside my house tonight. He terrifies me, he givess me the creeps and he won't leave. But he doesn't scare her...

meds and hw

The title is misleading, because its actually lack of meds and hw, I forgot my meds last night, and now I'm in a drooly haze trying to do hw. Anyone who has taken mood stabilizers and forgotten to take them knows how I feel. I have a tummyache my eyes are droopy, my head is spinning and I feel altogether drunk, not good drunk though, bad drunk. I feel like I drank just a little to much and need to pass out, unfortunately I haven't drank anything. On top of it I have to write and observation for my child development class. Why I thought I could do school right now is beyond me, but bi-polar disorder and meds plus school is a little hard. I need a semester off, but doing that means I lose grant money and unless I have a job I can't do that. Sigh, sucks being on meds, but I can't get off of them.....

scattered

Been having a hard time lately. Issues with dad, as usual, mostly just his gf hating me though. I think my body is trying to kill me. My knees can barely hold myself up, I wanted to kill myself the other night, and I'm cutting again. I don't know why, I don't want to tell anyone about it. I just like the feeling of the pain. I like the blood dripping from my body. I don't know how to stop it. I don't know why I like it. But it's addicting. I quit drinking energy drinks, which makes me tired. Energy drinks are bad for the body, especially when you drink them as much as I did, which was like once a day or more. I know this post is a little scattered, but its how I feel right now, scattered. My brain, my body, my life. Its all scattered....

babies?

I am really struggling with the feeling of wanting to be pregnant. I don't know how I would care for a baby, but I want one. Part of me says fuck go for it, but the rest of me says wait. But I don't want to wait! I am tired of waiting. I want a baby. I want a little mini-me or mini-bf. I want the dirty diapers, the crying, the love. I don't want to be loved, but I want to love. I want to hold the child in my arms and feel the love in my heart. My heart would beat for this young human. But my wallet is empty. I can't afford to take care of myself let alone a baby. I can't put a child through the experience of being poor. I want my child to have what they need, when they need it, not the next time I get paid. But I don't want to wait, I want a child, I want one now. How do I get rid of this feeling when it is me...